MJ is a loser

Hey y'all

Just a little update on the last few days. Yeah, I went to see the Da Vinci code on Sunday, despite the awful reviews I happened to enjoy it. Of course it's not as good as reading the book but I think it's definately worth seeing. And they change the ending slightly, which I liked as I felt a little let down by the ending in the book. Can't say anymore in case you plan on seeing it and haven't as yet. And Tom Hanks was good, despite the press, although I am slightly biased as he's one of my favourite actors. However, this case proves my previous recommendation of not looking getting excited about something can make you pleasantly surprised as I was expecting this film to be poor (according to everyone else). But I had to see it even if it was, just one of those things.

Even if the Da Vinci Code was the worst film I'd ever seen (beating some J-Lo thing I walked out of, the Cell maybe?), then I still had my money's worth. Although it's been floating round the internet, seeing the teaser trailer for Casino Royale, the new Bond film certainly made the trip worthwhile. Igor, make sure that note in your diary is in big red ink. I don't care how cute this new girl of yours is, we have a date. But not that kind of date, and why did you call me babe in your comment to the last post? Weirdo. Also Pirates of the Carribbean 2 is out on July 6th, awesome. Yet again, I will expect that to be a big let down so hopefully I'll be proved wrong.

Hmm, I seem to have spent a long time writing about films. Well, I tell you, I'm getting used to writing large amounts. I have finally finished my last two essays for my masters, both had to be 5000 words due this week - GET IN. I spent most of the week cutting over 3000 from my report on Tim Hortons so I'm just full of useless information just trying to get out.

I should really be writing about my speed dating last night but I may leave that till the next time. No, not really. I'll explain all now. My friend Catrin is starting up her own business (I seem to have been saying that for a while now!), organising events such as speed dating so she needed some volunteered volunteers to participate in a dummy run last night. Well, most people there were already in relationships so nothing mattered and it was all a bit of fun.

As promised, Matty came up with some interesting career claims during the night, perhaps he doesn't think being a marketer sounds too interesting. Apparently, I am either an Aston Martin test driver, a writer for the Times who just wrote a piece about a study showing triangular sandwiches taste better than square sandwiches or I work for the Government, deploying troops from the nearby RAF base to Iraq. That last one would have turned into working for MI5 but I'd already told the girl I lived locally, so couldn't pull off working in London. Damn, I really wanted to do that one. Apparently, they all believed me when we were chatting afterwards! You see, the reason people don't go speed dating is they're scared of people like me being there and taking the piss, I really can be a drain on society.

In other news, there was a huge celebrity/soccer legends soccer game this week on tv. Huge hype, they were showing clips from training sessions all week long. I just wanted to say nice on to Sergei Federov for going out clubbing one night and not showing up till the day after the next morning whilst eveyone else was taking it seriously. He's a trooper. You may also notice that despite the title of this post, I haven't mentioned MJ at all. No, I have no news about MJ, I just felt like reminding everyone what I think of her. Harsh.....but fair.

OK, have a great week if I don't speak to you before friday. Then it's London baby! Carolyn & Lauren - I'm pumped, it'll be awesome. Everyone else - you're missing out, See ya!

Out on a Limb

Ok, I just wanted to get publish this before the event. I do not think Brazil will win the forthcoming World Cup. If you listen to every single football player, pundit (David Pleat & Trevor Francis are muppets, they don't count) or those who really know,the bookies (Ladbrokes,William Hill and Bet Fair) to name but three, all you will here is that Brazil will win. And win comfortably.

However, I believe that this smacks too much in the face of France 98, where Brazil were the unbelievable favourites for that tournament and had a player untouchable who could win it on their own (See Ronaldo, Substitute Ronaldihno). Oh yeah, they didn't win.

Now I have absolutely nothing against Brazil. I am a complete neutral in the World Cup as Wales haven't qualified since 1958 and only want to be entertained and impressed by the world's best. So I wanted Brazil to win the last one because to do that they'd have to play well and when Brazil play well, it's incredible to watch.

But I'm pretty sure it won't happen again. I think they'll get carried away with the hype and lose focus. That's where they'll lose....but I have no idea who to. Seriously, aside from Brazil, anyone from England, France, Italy, Portugal and even the Germans could win but it's oh so close between these teams. So....I'm gonna plump for Argentina. How could a team with Gabriel Heinze fail?

Yeah, that's my prediction, not necessarily that the Argies will triumph but I really don't think Brazil will and I just wanted to be the first to say it which is why I'm posting this now. Ok, now go place your bets.

PS. The World Cup is all the poorer for Robbie Keane not partaking, eh Dan?

When it rains, it really pours

What a shitty week. I have nothing to post about right now, I'm just in a bad mood moaning away which I spend a lot of my time doing. My brother bought me some golf lessons for my birthday (although I did tell him to) and we were due to start Sunday. However, my knee is still like Fatty's (watch Twin Town) so we've had to postpone. This knee is a pain, I hope I've only twisted it, but have to wait 2 weeks till they'll do any tests to know for sure.

And that means I can't drive anywhere either so I've stayed in all week, bah. I think the only thing keeping me sane is repeats of Bullseye and Only Fools and Horses last night. So, I've been writing more essays which is Ok, but not when I have to use my sister's laptop cos mine GOT A VIRUS. Which means I had to restore the factory settings on my C-Drive and reinstall stuff. Fine. But on reinstalling the internet the keyboard froze and now the computer won't start up without having some kind of 'Program 1 not responding.' What is Program 1? Sounds like another virus to me but I have so little patience for help lines I've not touched my computer all day and will only phone them up when I find a good mood. Should be round Christmas then?

So I finish my essay. Brilliant, I think. I can relax all weekend before I try to finish the next one off. But oh no, now I remember I have to submit a proposal for my dissertation, which is a huuuuuuuge waste of time. Fair enough, they'll tell us if we can do the topic we've chosen (I'm doing the world cup) and will get assigned to an appropriate tutor, but there are so many lecturers in the business school, can't they just set up a meeting with the 50 of us. I even have to fill out a proposed timetable, what's that about? I have no idea what I'm doing tomorrow night, let alone in August (well, hopefully going to Dublin again). And I've no idea how my time will go writing this thing, never done one before. So I left that to tick the 'being ethical' boxes, no I won't take advantage of people I survey or trick them or ask them for their phone number and if they have a boyfriend. It's like being asked if I have a bomb in my hand luggage, oh crap you busted me, I'll hold my hands up. I know it's all necessary but even being stuck at home, I'm sure I could find something better to do.

Speaking of hand luggage, I wonder how much they could fit in that new Airbus 380? Anyone see it landing at Heathrow yesterday? It's bigger than my ego! Apparently they'll start with flying 550 passengers but could increase it to about 800 depending how much leg room the carriers want to give them. Apparently there'll be shops and I think a bar or something like that, very luxurious and Emirates have already ordered 45 of the things! However, I would not want to fly on that thing, no way. Can you imagine, they'll probably ask you to check in 4 days before the flight and do not expect your baggage to arrive on the carosel (how do you spell it?) for a minimum of 4 to 6 weeks. Takes long enough when there are only 200 people on board.

But I'll end on a positive note. Two aircraft I will be excited about are the ones transporting Lauren and Carolyn over to Europe. We're planning to meet up for a couple of days between June 1st and June 4th in London, whenever I can fit them in! That's something I'm looking forward to, London is such a cool city and hopefully they'll find the parts I like to their liking as well. Otherwise I won't get paid for my tourguiding. I say I'm being the tourguide as Adam may get jealous if I mention Carolyn calls it a 'playdate.' I dunno, maybe she's after some crazy European sex?

Football Tour way better than Cranium Parties

Honestly, who'd wanna play Cranium on a Saturday night or take a Manhattan cruise when you and seventeen other hooligans can spend the weekend trashing Butlins in Minehead. Yeah that's right, you missed out big time losers!

Obviously what goes on tour stays on tour so for that and other legal reasons, I cannot give too much detail about what happened over the last 72 hours. However, I will list some brief descriptions of the most noteworthy events, some of which I may have personally played some or no part in.

- Booze
- Drugs
- Gambling
- Professional wrestlers benchpressing guys against the ceiling and dropping them
- 6 girls rejecting the chance to earn £20 by making out with one of the guys on the team
- Bread fighting
- Running after cars of girls down the main road
- Rugby tackling each other into rubbish bins
- Trolley racing around camp
- Stealing patio furniture from around the camp
- Watches being stolen from off someone's wrist
- Taking a girl back to a room, texting another boy to hide under the bed and scare the shit out of her when she got back from the bathroom
- Bursting in on two people cavorting to throw ketchup packets, one hitting the random girl square on the forehead
- Playing 2 official matches when drunk
- Walking to Tesco to find they have no cafe
- Taking 15 minutes to drive the 2 minutes to the pitch
- Tipping anyone who went to bed before 3am out
- Deciding the best way to gain the attention of the girl opposite was to walk out butt naked for introductions
- Kegging
- Injuring a knee whilst playing football Sunday morning but deciding to 'run it off' for the next hour and spending Monday morning in the hospital (see below)


No, it's not broken but I have to be a cripple for 2 weeks and be waited on whilst I watch TV. Ooh, the cricket's on!

Je Suis Un Plonker

More gloating I'm afraid. The England World Cup squad was named this week, which included Sol Campbell. What does my blog have to do with Sol Campbell? Well, he has been an established international defender for about 10 years now but had a poor season which led my idiot of a brother to claim he won't get into the squad. Immediately, I, the experienced (although not successful) gambler bet one pound sterling he would be. And won, get it.

However, that's where I got a bit carried away. Trying to emulate Whisky Dan, who displays the money he wins off co-worker Chuck, I tried to create a similar, witty notice upon which I could present my brother's loss as publicly as possible.

And you may agree, my sign does look good up on my wall next to my favourite pictures from Australia.


However, if you look closely, there is one slight mishap which kinda ruined my little ego trip. Yes, unknown to me until Gareth pointed it out, I mis-spelt "Genius." Bollocks. Way to urinate on my source of heat.


See. Damn it. Oh well, I'm not hiding, the sign stays up. But who can I blame for this? The UK education system? Better not....My parents, nah, can't think of any reason. I'm going to blame Bill Gates. Its obvious he is to blame for my poor spelling, and on two counts at that. First, as I was using capital letters, Microsoft Word's spellcheck isn't activated. And secondly, more importantly, the autocorrect option I spent ages customising on my computer corrects everything I type usually so I can simply mash the keyboard as quickly as I can when typing and it still makes (relative) sense. So point the finger at Senor Gates. As compensation for being made to look a fool, how about some of that 95% of your fortune you said you'd give away before you die? Eh? Yeah, I'm a good cause!

OK, off to Minehaed for football tour tomorrow. Back Monday and I'm sure there'll be some sordid and messy stories to spill, well the ones I wasn't involved in!

And following my theme of mentioning Lois in all my posts at the moment, happy birthday for today!!

Blowing My Trumpet

One thing I don't like about other people is arrogance. It really does bug me and I find those who tend to show off tend to be those who aren't actually that great at whatever it is, you should see some of the dickheads I play football against. Honestly, I played against a team on Saturday who got promoted to the South Wales Amateur League and therefore love themselves but they'll be back next year after getting their big heads kicked all over the place.

However, now I'm going to show off just a little bit. My team had our presentations on Saturday and I won Manager's Player of the Year after coming 2nd for Player's Player of the Year. Not the most exciting or earth-shattering news you'll ever here but I was chuffed to bits, surprised but very proud. Still am and keep looking at my trophy, it's pretty cool. I am my own biggest critic and thought I should have done a lot better this season but realistically, didn't play too badly. Oh and Laura said in her blog, she finds my blogs funny, at last someone does! But maybe she was drunk when she wrote that.

Finally a big thank you to Dan and Igor for hosting my birthday party last night. I must apologise for being the first person in history to miss their own birthday party cos they didn't know about it and only checked their blog 24 hours too late. Sorry guys but the thought was very much appreciated. Instead, I was at my presentation and escaped just as half the team thought it would be fun to jump in the hot tub in their underwear. I think that was the worst hot tubbing ever, no girls and no bathers. Good thing I left, me and some of the other boys went out to the bar where I spent about 2 hours trying to hide from some girl I'd met a couple of weeks ago, I really am a berk. I swear its becuase of guys like me, bloke-hating lesbians exist.

So now after my one moment of glory, I will retreat back to reality. See ya!

PS. It's not my fault Lois can't get the picture to work on her blog. I told her what to do, it's her fault for being dumb.

Fo Shizzle

This last 24 hours has taught me quite a lot.

The 20th anniversary of the awful Chernobyl disaster was this week. To uncover some of the fallout, a documentary was shown on TV, called Igor - The Truth Behind Chernobyl. (or something like that) But the name Igor was the focal point, could explain a few things?

Also, Tuesday is apparently National Orgasm Day, originating from Brazil. Will also be my birthday but I'm not sure what the hidden message is there. Any suggestions?

Talking of hidden messages, this is my 51st blog making my previous one the 50th. So what? Yeah I know, but I was quite proud I managed to keep it going that long (no jokes burman), small things & small minds eh.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

One of the biggest stories over here at the moment is that our beloved Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott has admitted a two year affair with his secretary. Whatever, none of my business and to be honest, I don't really care too much. However, what puzzles me is what the woman saw in him to desire such an affair. This is a photo of Prescott who I believe is 65 years of age and suffers from endless remarks about his weight.


And everyone is puzzled as to what his secretary got out of the affair, especially if you believe the jibes about fat blokes. Well, she has sold her story to the press but surely didn't have that in mind the whole time?

So here's another puzzler. What about Sven Goran Erikson, the England football coach? He has a long-term girlfriend but in the past couple of years it has been discovered he has had not one, but two affairs with other women. Yet, his girlfriend has stuck by him. This photo again asks, what for?


Oh, and why did Coleen (can't spell her surname) McThingy stick with Wayne Rooney for after he was busted visiting a brothel? Hmm.....would she and Sven's missus have stayed if they were married and would have to divorce? Oooh that's sinical.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, for I am no expert whatsoever on women (so therefore know bollocks about what they go for) as my track record would suggest, but would the best thing for me to do is get some money and/or power? Then I could get away with seemingly anything and still have someone to make my tea....I'll go see if there's anything going on Ebay right now.

PS. A free muffin to anyone who can guess the hidden agenda behind the title of this blog, cos I don't think you will.