Last night was my football team's fundraising Christmas party. It was alright, few sneaky pints with the lads and some top notch imported entertainment.
Well the guy they had says he's an entertainer, was actually imported from Swansea and the material being top notch was debatable. However, he sang a few songs, told a few jokes and got everyone over the age of forty shaking their booty. Hmm, maybe wobbling their booty would be a better description. Despite being a complete stereotype of a Christmas party act, I thought this guy was alright (apologies for continuous referals to 'guy' but I have no idea what his name was). I thought it might be a good idea to share some of the jokes I heard last night before I forget them as well, hope you enjoy.
Guy gets pulled over for speeding.
Cop asks for a breath test. Guy pulls out card saying he's a chronic asthmatic and cannot give breath tests.
Cop asks for a blood test. Guy pulls out card saying he's a haemophiliac and cannot give blood tests.
Cop asks for a urine test. Guy pulls out card saying he's a Cardiff City supporter so it's not safe to take the piss out of him. (Yeah, that's it)
Did you hear about this woman from the Gernos estate in Merthyr? She has 16 kids, all called Gareth.
How do you get their attention?
Well, I just call Gareth in the morning and they all rush in and I can sit them down for breakfast.
What about when you want to speak to them individually?
Oh that's easy, I just call them by their surnames!
(My Dad likes this one, my Mum hates this one)
Tramp walks into a bar.
Asks for a cocktail stick which the barman gives him and he leaves.
Another Tramp walks into a bar.
Asks for a cocktail stick which the barman gives him and he leaves.
2 More tramps Tramp walk into a bar and ask for cocktail sticks which the barman gives them and they leave.
5th tramp walks into the bar.
Barman says he has no more cocktail sticks.
Tramp says he doesn't want a cocktail stick, but a straw instead.
Barman agrees as long as the tramp tells him what's going on.
'someones been sick outside and now all the lumps have gone!'
(Didn't tell my parents this one)
Man on a golf course for 1st time.
Gets lost and asks a woman also playing what hole he's on.
You're on the 3rd and I'm on the 4th.
Gets lost later and asks same woman what hole he's on.
You're on the 14th and I'm on the 15th.
In the clubhouse later, man apologises to woman for the inconvenience on the course and explains he's unfamiliar to the area as he's a sales rep up on work.
Oh I'm a sales rep too, she says.
Oh, what do you sell?
Sanitary towels
Man laughs
Thats not funny says she.
Yes it is
I sell toilet paper you see, so even now I'm still one hole behind you!
PS. also won a bottle of whisky in the raffle. If you would like some of said whisky, come on over to my beachside apartment in Sydney, Australia next week and I'll gladly share a glass with you.
