A lesson in International Culture

This Saturday, my team Manchester United handed a debut to its new Serbian player, Nemanja Vidic. Realising that it is now my duty to worship Senor Vidic, I need to know more about him and embarked on a research exercise into his homeland, Serbia and Montenegro. Here are some of the facts I have discovered about this nirvana:

• To save time, I am now going to refer to Serbia and Montenegro as S&M
• S&M-ers fear gerbils when hiking through the woods in North America
• S&M-ites have little grasp of English, but are still qualified to teach the Queen’s language in Asia
• Male S&M-oids will not throw Canadian guys out of the shower if they choose to join them. They will however, use a transparent mouldy shower curtain as a robe if necessary
• S&M are not great at soccer. Guys have been known to be left rolling on the floor in agony after being tackled by girls
• Despite many years of war and looting in the homeland, S&M-icks do not leave their front doors protected and as such, they are susceptible to fall off
• S&M basketball players have never received great press and are therefore likely to frame any old criticism, they are just excited to have been mentioned
• S&M-igonians often have allergic reactions outside Europe resulting in the growth of some bum-fluff underneath their chin but nowhere else on their face
• The remainder of the 21st century will see S&M take over the world using robots engineered at Dalhousie University
• Igor is Gay

Does anyone know anything else about Serbia?