Matty versus the World

1 down 2 to go

2007-05-08T12:34:00.000Z

Well ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to my Godson, Quinn Patrick Kelly MacPherson with his Daddy, Richie and his GodDaddy.

Yeah Quinn was born yesterday morning and weighed in at 8lbs - well done Arlene! He's also as healthy as can be, so now I can turn my attention to worrying that everything will go fine for Jane and Doctah and my cousin Emma and Huw for their little bundles which are coming over the summer.

It also meant I spend all morning baby shopping as I had waited until we knew whether Quinn would turn out to be a Quinn or a Joey. Did you know that every clothes store in Halifax has its own baby range? It really is a multi-million dollar industry. I should have taken a photo but I bought him the most adorable "My First Levis" set of jeans, t-shirt and socks - it just couldn't be left on the shelf. I also bought him a cuddly croc so he knows what to expect down under and a cuddly soccer ball so he's brought up playing a proper sport!

Anyway, here's some more photos of baby, Mummy, Daddy, Grandma & GodDaddy and I just want to say congratulations both and thank you a million times again for asking me to be Godfather, I'm so proud.

Changing Times

2007-05-06T16:34:00.000Z

So last night was my last shift at Dofsky's. Which is sad as I'd met some fantastic people there and thoroughly enjoyed my time with them. However, life goes on and I'm now going to try and complete and online application for a graduate job back home.

I say 'try to complete' as I've been doing it bit by bit all week and it's so boring. I really don't like these online application forms with questions such as 'tell us about a time when you have made a decision using your analytical and problem solving skills' or 'tell us about a time when you have had to deliver a project to set deadlines.' What a load of bollocks if you ask me - they're pathetic questions I feel unlikely to reveal my true personality. Give me a face-to-face interview any time.

Now it's time to stop procrastinating.

Cue the bad Brando impressions

2007-04-23T18:17:00.000Z

So I have some fantastic news. Last night I was asked by my good friends Richie and Arlene to be a Godfather when their little bump arrives in two weeks.

Now they plan to bring up the little one in Australia in a couple of months and hold the Christening there but understand that I can't afford a trip there at the moment and aren't concerned about that one bit. That's a relief as I'm so proud and flattered right now for them asking me and of course I didn't need any time to think about accepting this wonderful gesture. Though when I told Igor, he responded with "I wouldn't even trust you with my pizza." Fair enough.

Now all I need to know is where I can find a horse's head.......

My Black List

2007-04-21T13:26:00.000Z

As you are aware, I am a huge 007 fan and will take virtually any opportunity to watch one of the Bond films. However, I say take 'virtually' any opportunity as there are some occasions where I would like to watch a Bond film but it's the company who are the problem.

As of yesterday's screening of Casino Royale, there are two more people I have added to my list of people I do not wish to join in viewing such films. The list now reads:

Lois Burman
Sarah Trott
Emily Younker
Joni Thomas

Reasons for appearing on this list include gawping at Daniel Craig coming out of the water in his short shorts, constantly ruining any action or romantic scene with 'but that would never happen' or 'she's a slut' and running around doing awful Dr Evil impressions whenever Blofeld appears on screen.

So be warned - I will shun even my best friends.

More Laziness

2007-04-16T15:37:00.000Z

As the restaurant I work at is attached to the Cambridge Suites Hotel, we do a lot of room service. Apart from when we're having a big rush, they're dead easy, you just take an order and deliver it when it's ready and 15% tip is automatically put on - though most guests tip you more anyway. So easy money.

Now last night we had a request for some pineapple juice to be brought up. But we explained we'll only do room service for $6 so we'd have to charge that for the drink unless they'd like to come downstairs (from the floor above) and pay the usual $1.50. "No no, that's ok - bring it up" was the response. So I did, jacking the price up to $6 and keeping the extra $4.50.

Turns out the guests were three pissed-up girls wearing more make-up than an air hostess, getting ready for a night out and needed the juice to mix with alcohol. I bet Daddy won't be happy when he sees the bill for the room included a $6 juice to save his precious princess from that awful flight of stairs or even worse, the 10 second lift ride.

I saw these girls later on in the night, returning from their evening out on the town at around 10pm. Probably due to their fake Id's not working or something. Nice one ladies.

PS. Now I'm being lazy - I'm gonna check out the new features of blogger another time when I'm more interested in them.

All I could do was laugh

2007-04-04T17:36:00.000Z

One of my pet peeves is laziness. Now some people can be pretty lazy:

(Yeah I know I've used this image before but it is pretty funny)

Anyway, last night I headed out to work and got into the lift - remember Dan and I live on the 6th floor of our apartment building - to go down to the lobby. It stopped on 5th floor and some girl got in. Ok fine. She hit the button to go to Floor 6, where I had just come from. Still fine. "It's going down" I said. "Oh that's ok" was the response!

I couldn't believe this - how pathetic must this girl's life be if she has nothing better to do than catch the lift all the way down to 1st and then back up again to 6th? Or did she simply want to avoid the fourteen - yes fourteen - steps that would have taken her up from 5th to 6th in the first place?

Now although laziness aggravates me at times, it infuriates me when I'm lazy as I have no excuses. Hence I can tell you there are fourteen steps to go up a floor in our building as I just went to count them - I don't mind losing 20 seconds of my day if it helps quantify the ridiculousness of this girl. Whilst I'm really not too bothered about her, it has amused me to a great extent since and that's all I can do - laugh at her.

PS. How about this for London buses? You wait ages for a blog post and then two come together!

Job Hunting

2007-04-03T15:37:00.000Z

So I've spent the last week tarting up my CV, sending off to Glamorgan Uni for critique and tarting it up a bit more accordingly. Now I can begin scouring the Cardiff marketing job market.

One of the first jobs that popped up was a placement with view to a 12 month contract at a company called One Nil Trade Ltd. The aspects of the job seemed really appealing and I thought I'd find the company really interesting given my obsession with most things sportish. However, one slight problem - One Nil Trade, despite being taken from one of the most common phrases in football, has nothing to do with sports.

Apparently the company promotes and markets items of a more personal nature and one of the skills needed is a maturity to be sensitive with clients, which rules me out. But what a weird name for such a company, sure fooled me. I guess it's a good thing I researched them before applying as that could have created quite a surprising interview. Though I guess the job would never be dull - I could always see how many times I could bring "that's what she said" up per day and get away with it?

Selling Out

2007-03-26T17:43:00.000Z

So it's been a while. Not much happening you ask? Well no, not really to be honest. But one significant piece of news, which I'm sure everyone knows by now anyway, is that I'm leaving Canada in May.

There are several reasons for this decision, including my Grandma's 80th birthday, my cousin is having her first baby and there are the possibilities of sharing a beer with Doctah J in Monaco and with MJ in London over the summer. Added to that, of course I miss my family and friends over there very much. Though it's not an easy decision to make, because of all the wonderful friends I have here in Canada and the good times we do have.

However, one big factor was a couple of weeks ago, a large marketing company in Halifax asked me to do an assignment for them as a test to see if I'd be a good addition to their staff. That went well, I had a productive meeting with the Vice President and I decided if they offered me a position I would take it. But then they dithered over the decision and after going two weeks without a yes or no I decided I didn't want it any more. What I realised was that at nearly 25 years of age and with 2 degrees in the bank, I finally should grow up a little bit and find a proper job, which goes against a lot of my principles of messing around in the restaurant game.

I love working at Dofsky's, with my mate Richie - trying to outdo each other with our Borat impressions and then going for some beers after work. I do enjoy that my day starts at 6pm and genuinely get a kick out of serving people, especially when they love the wine I recommend or the cocktail I've just made them. But it can't last forever. Dan and I had a pleasant evening at Bearly's last night, listening to a pretty cool blues jam but we were served by a waiter who was about 40. That was another message - grow up Matty!

So I'm gonna try and get a career of somesorts in Cardiff - I've always known I don't want to live in Halifax forever and then I can try and save some pennies to visit Australia and Fiji next year. After all, Richie will be in Perth then in his brother-in-law's restaurant, so I can sponge some accomodation and if the rat race is getting too intense, escape back to my roots there.

Scott Skins Cheese and Bacon please mate!

Themes

2007-03-15T20:10:00.000Z

So last week I ranted on about the inaccurate estimates for Halifax to host the 2014 Commonwealth Games bid - $700 million in fact turned out to be $1.7 billion. Well a similar story has continued today involving London's costs of hosting the 2012 Olympics.

When London won the bid in 2005, they calculated it would cost £2.4 billion, which has escalated to £9.3 billion today, around 18 months later. Wow, quite a difference. And this has been announced in a week where another part of London, Wembley, has celebrated the contractors handing over the keys for the new stadium. Which is just about finished, Great but originally, Wembley stadium was supposed to cost £400 million and be ready for May 2005. Although the official line is that it eventually cost £757 million, compensations and overruns add on another £350 million. And it is two years late in its completion.

So who is making these calculations? I seriously want to find out who comes up with such figures and how as I really cannot understand why they are so inaccurate. It is very strange.

But not as strange as 4pm this afternoon. I flicked on CNN to see the headlines - something about some Govenor something or other was the lead story. So I flicked onto CBC in the hope they were showing the BBC World news. They weren't - it was the Canadian news and their lead story was about this Shiekh Mohammed guy admitting to several acts of terror over recent times (including 9/11) and that he beheaded an American journalist. Pretty serious stuff in my opinion - although what is true and what is not is unknown right now but I was curious as to why CNN hadn't led with this story. Perhaps because it has been flying round all day (I first read it this morning) and they were trying to cover the most recent news and that Canada really is a little slow and behind the rest of the world and had only just picked up on the Al-Qaeda guy?

The Doug Bodgers

2007-03-13T03:30:00.000Z

So I mentioned I was playing Dodgeball with Cole and some of his Journalism cronies yesterday. It turns out we were competing in a twelve-team charity tournament and look what happened:

Embarrassing

2007-03-09T15:50:00.000Z

So you heard that Halifax has pulled out of the Commonwealth Games bid? Pathetic and shameful is my reaction with no one doing themselves any credit whatsoever.

According to this timeline, Halifax was chosen as Canada's bidding city way back in December 2005. So that's about sixteen months of subsequent work and investment wasted. Sixteen months that Hamilton, Ottawa and York could have used to do a better job. I bet those cities and their residents are pissed at Halifax right now. And what about the other Commonwealth countries? As Halifax was on the exclusive final shortlist of three bidding cities from three bidding countries, it prevented another city from another country to get on that list. According to Wikipedia, my trusty source for most 'facts' countries including Singapore, New Zealand and Wales were considering a bid back in the day. So are these countries gonna be pissed at Halifax for taking a spot away from them and then passing their opportunity away? Maybe.

I tell you who else is pissed at Halifax - Halifax athletes. Now I know the young lady in this article quite well and know how badly local athletes wanted the games to come here so they could have access to better facilities and not have to relocate across Canada to improve, as so many have. If you think that's not the most elegant picture of Leanna, try this one instead.

Or this one, with her lover.

Now I'm not criticising Halifax for not winning the Commonwealth Games, but for making such a huge farce out of their bid. Seriously, who are these analysts who estimated the games would cost $700 million? The job centre is where I think they should be. Seriously, the costs of getting the bid have not risen from $700 million to $1.7 billion - the 'experts' just fucked up. Bigtime. Why not get me to estimate how much the games would have cost? It seems that I could have picked a number out of the sky and had as much chance of creating a realistic estimate as those who are paid to do that.

And what about Cossette Atlantic? This is the marketing company who was in charge of promoting the Halifax bid. Yeah, their reputation must be doing well this morning. Cossette are also the company I was supposed to be working for last September but couldn't find the cash and though I was incredibly excited in working for them and am not bitter in any way, if I worked there today, I wouldn't go round shouting that from the rooftops.

So what now? Well, several journalists have correctly pointed out both Nova Scotia and the HRM were willing to invest hundreds of millions of dollars towards Halifax - improving infrastructure, facilities, housing etc etc etc. So do it. And get a CFL franchise or something to build that stadium you were on about. It doesn't really matter that the Commonwealth Games aren't coming here, the city could still improve itself for the benefit of its residents and appease people like Leanna. Seriously, I'm willing to bet Nova Scotians aren't too happy with their Government right now for the embarrasment they've caused through their amateurishness (spot the hypocritical amateur journalist) so this cloud gives quite the opportunity for the city to redeem itself.

As for me, I'm going to expand my horizons further and continue to try new things in life - I'm playing dodgeball on Sunday with Cole, wicked!

Confused

2007-03-04T14:50:00.000Z

So I did something on Friday I'd only done once before and that was two years ago. I caught a Halifax Regional Municipality bus. And then I caught another one to get home.

But Homer Simpson says the only people who use buses are students and lesbians. I know I'm not a student anymore so does that make me a lesbian?

My Guardian Angel

2007-02-23T19:29:00.000Z

So thanks to Dan, guess who I have watching over me now when I sleep?

Yes, it's none other than Dwight K Shrute, Assistant (to the) Regional Manager at Dunder Mifflin, Scrampton. Anyone reading this from back home, he's the equivalent to Gareth Keenan from the British version of The Office. But it's more appropriate to have Dwight in my bedroom as the American Office is all the rage here due to its awesometicity. It also looks funny and gives me a line at the bars where I can impress girls that I have a twenty-five square foot Schrute in my room. Punchy, no?

So now we have a theme in our apartment for big decorations - check out the Kim Jong Il image Dan created for the birthday party we held in his honour last Saturday.

Oh, I think we let the party kinda merge with Laura's celebrations as it was her birthday last week as well. But we all know who we really care the most about.

You should have been there - we had all kinds of frolics and games. Check out the 'pin the tail on the donkey' facility:

We had to call it 'pin the tail on the donkey' and not 'pin the tail on the ass' as people may have got confused between the two asses.

So thanks to Dan, for my fantastic present last night. And sympathies to him as well as he is currently on the phone to Hewlett Packard. Unfortunately, Dan's computer broke about 2 weeks ago (due to excessive gaming) and after hours of telling them it was broke, they decided he should send it in. This week, Hewlett Packard took up even more of his time (over an hour I believe) when they left a message to say they didn't know what was wrong. Finally the computer got sent back today, with everything still broken. So he has spent the last hour like this:

Seriously, he has been on hold all this time in between redirections. That's HEWLETT PACKARD everybody - boycott them. It's not funny anymore, I can't stand his whining, so please for the sake of your friends, do not buy Hewlett Packard products. Or Medion either, I still haven't forgiven them for screwing me over ever since I went with them four years ago. Four years and they haven't done one thing that hasn't pissed me off. Not good people.

Is she?

2007-02-21T01:06:00.000Z

Seriously, what's up with Paula Abdul? Some people believe her to be cracked up or something and yeah, I think something's up. I mean, she's so trippy when doing the auditions and then misses the next day as she's 'ill.' Or under the table as Joni suggested.

But it all makes American Idol even more entertaining. I hadn't watched it in years and years and had forgotten how funny it can be. See I'm sick of all the reality TV shows back home but they don't have those American wackos on. And these people put Simon Cowell in the worst mood anyone with that much tan could be in. And that cracks me up more.

Ok, commercials are nearly over - gotta get back to the tele!

Keeping Lois Happy

2007-02-19T02:19:00.000Z

Apparently only bots and Lois read this thing now seeing as I never have anything exciting to write about. But as Lois is so special (needs) I'll keep going.

Note to self - put something interesting here.

PS. Happy birthday Gareth.

Inspired Writing

2007-02-08T03:12:00.000Z

So I had the fortune of receiving several Bond books for Christmas from my brother. And I have spent the last few weeks reading both Casino Royale and Goldfinger, great reads. However two quotes, one from each, stand out and make me admire Ian Fleming even more.

1. Bond on Vesper's kidnapping in Casino Royale:

"This was just what he'd been afraid of. These blithering women who thought they could do a man's work. Why the hell couldn't they stay at home and mind their pots and pans and stick to their frocks and gossip (the bit I love) and leave men's work to the men."

2. Pussy Galore explaining why she shows little emotion towards men in Goldfinger:

"I come from the South. You know the definition of a virgin down there? Well, it's a girl who can run faster than her brother."

Brilliant.

Quick Recommendation

2007-01-30T22:55:00.000Z

Went to a couple of open-mic nights last night, at Gingers Tavern and The Pogue. Really only went as I don't like staying in watching tv and it also gave me the opportunity to hang out with Jonus Minimus (Joni to everyone else). She was there supporting her friend Crystal Robinson, who goes by the name of Radio Jane when dragging her keyboard around and performing. She seriously has a fantastic voice and I thoroughly enjoyed her performances. This is surprising as I usually find open-mics and kariokes egotistic, irritating and too clickey. But anyway, check out some of her songs on her MySpace, I think you'll enjoy.

Priorities

2007-01-25T17:20:00.000Z

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Well, that's a theory my mum has always used on my dad. I, on the other hand, am obsessed with sport. Just look how nothing can distract me from the football, not even the fairer sex.

Also, I have a question. Why is there always money behind a couch? I thought it was a myth but when our couch got moved today so the carpenter could move our new bathroom cabinet in, we discovered several cotton buds, a pen, a mobile phone and over $3 in change. Which I have deposited into my wallet to stay there a long, long time. Perhaps I have found a new source of income?

Goldenballs

2007-01-16T19:08:00.000Z

Did anyone hear that David Beckham is moving to LA? Well I did too but haven't really commented on it yet as I'm not sure what to make of the whole situation. I still don't have a firm opinion on one of the most publicised sports stories of the past while but would like to consider some of the possibilities.

First, I recall an interview I watched with Don Garber, the commisioner of Major League Soccer. He seems very chuffed that Sir David (as he will be soon enough) is moving to the States. However, I don't really consider his opinions to be the most reliable as he pronounces Pele 'Pay-Lay' and doesn't consider Beckham's move as similar to that of the world's most famous player when he joined the New York Cosmos as Pele moved in the twilight of his career, while Beckham is still at his peak. Really? So why can't he get into the Real Madrid and England teams?

Second, what about the money? Is the reported £128 million the reason for going? Personally I believe not so much. Sure, he wouldn't have gone for nothing even though his current finances are ok and that figures such as the ones that have been quoted must be pretty hard to turn away from. But I genuinely believe Beckham sees the challenge of growing 'soccer' in the US as his motive. Some may say that is extremely arrogant, seeing yourself as the one person who can interest 300 million idiots, sorry people, in something they're not really interested in. Apparently. But it is a challenge certainly and if he can pull it off, would be a remarkable achievement. I definately enjoy a challenge and completely support his goal of publicising football over there. If that is his aim. Also I do believe Beckham when he describes the pride and enjoyment he experiences when coaching kids at his academies. This is another factor behind the move and a worthy project if successful.

So in my opinion, it appears David Beckham is the big winner from his move to LA. Assuming he continues to play well on the pitch, which his other interests depend on. Will he? Can he? Don't know. Probably, as the standard of the MLS is not highly respected and Beckham has played at the highest level for over ten years now. Played but not played well recently, which increased the public frustration towards his publicity and alternative interests. The possibility of Beckham's American dream echoing the last two years of his England career is a real one according to me. Which is why I am staggered he got a five year deal. Five years at 32! (which he will be when he joins) Surprising if you consider Manchester United won't offer more that one year contracts to their players aged over 30. Even more reason to believe Beckham is the biggest winner in this deal.

But he won't be the only one. Yeah, LA Galaxy will get their moneys worth (seeing as they only contribute a fraction to Beckham's contract) and sell more seats/shirts/posters and a lot more publicity. Fine. The league, the MLS? Hmm, really don't know and that is where my interest in this topic is highest. I really don't know if the Americans will take to football any more. It's possible but will take time if so. Maybe. But probably not. I will be surprised, however, if the standard of the MLS increases significantly. It could turn into a retirement home with each team allowed a 'marquee' player each, who will be past their best, not give a monkey's and therefore the intensity of the competition will not rise. Blunt, but that's what I think is the most likely outcome. If footballers of the 21st century need extra millions. So let's sit back and watch. I for one think things may get interesting.

New Years

2007-01-13T21:02:00.000Z

Here are some photos from my excursions back in the homeland. It is traditional to bring in the new year with a quiet evening in with games n booze rather than pubbing it clubbing it with the expenses and loudness and business of cardiff/barry. Which is what each of us prefer, although somehow Niall keeps getting invited. As I like to constantly remind you, he is a twat, so we thought it best to tie him up and just leave him in a corner.

Oh yeah, Sarah thought it would be best if Catrin and Niall swapped clothes as well. Worked out well.

What else happened? Well look what happened to Lois and Catrin:

I know what was to blame there and it wasn't the crazy dealer.

But maybe a little from Column A and a little from Column B. Probably.

Walking up a hill and coming back down a mountain

2007-01-05T15:51:00.000Z

Well happy new year one and all!

As is becoming the norm when I post, I will begin by apologising for not updating you in a while. At least I have a genuine excuse this time in that I was so busy at home I barely had five minutes to myself. Actually, that's not entirely true as I could have created at least a hundred posts during the time I'd space out when Niall was talking about himself - about four days solid.

I think I'll give more detail about specific events over the festive period when I get the photos off Catrin as they'll explain a lot. However, I will say my break was fantastic, although a little sad at times, as I was constantly reminded how wonderful friends, family and Wales are. I'll try not to neglect them as much this year.

But what I can tell you about is the hike Catrin, Sarah, Niall and myself embarked upon earlier this week. Catrin conveniently lives by Garth Mountain, featured in some Hugh Grant film, and climbing it was a good excuse to burn off at least six of the ten million calories that were added over Christmas.

Some parts were a little steep though for some people.

But as you can see, the views are quite spectacular, showing Wales in its true light.

No comments about the wellies please.

Now an interesting fact about Garth Mountain is that it is an artificial mountain. Yeah, a fake mountain. How is that you cry? Well, to be classed as a mountain, Garth needs to be over 1000 feet high. And it is only 998 feet high. So as you reach the peak, you will notice a nipple on top of Garth's breast.

Yeah, 'they' (I don't know who 'they' are) decided to put a three foot high stone thingy on top of Garth so they could call it a mountain. Wow, there are some geniuses in Wales (should that be Geni as in Peni?). Anyway, doesn't matter. Oh, but if you were wondering what the breast that the nipple is attached to actually is, it is one of three burial sites up on the mountain. Spooky. But don't go digging them up - you could be fined and imprisoned.

So, to conclude, I found our little excursion highly satisfying and enthralling. No, it wasn't in the same league as Doctah J's death-defying adventures but it was a step in the right direction. Though this was the closest I could get to the sheep before they ran away - clearly they have some kind of fear of me?!

And I mustn't forget, Niall fell down the hill. I laughed. He's a twat.

The Goose is Getting Fat

2006-12-11T01:58:00.000Z

Ok, you may now officially start getting excited for Christmas. Congratulations on not getting carried away by the Halifax Christmas Parade of November 18th or Sony releasing their PS3's the previous week and encouraging a mass scrum to avoid disappointment six and a half weeks later. I know it's hard to ignore the overwhelming commercialisation at this time of year but it's worth it when you realise what can be realised around now.

See I've just finished 'watching' National Lanpoon's Christmas Vacation with Dan and Laura. For watching, really see reading wikipedia and not really paying attention. However, the reason I joined my roommates (plural) was that Laura told me it was the ultimate Christmas movie and Dan was outraged I'd never seen it or heard of it either. So I needed to investigate, being a Christmassy person at heart and there was some particular line near the end of the film which really hit home. I can't remember exactly what it was but something about looking at a light in the sky representing your own interpretation of Christmas, which certainly meant something to me.

Now ignoring all the fitness dvds, traditional board games that are now available with Star Wars playing pieces and greatest hits cds which invade from mid November, I have some extremely strong memories of Christmas that remind me of happy holidays of years gone by.

Tonight saw the annual award of the BBC Sports Personality of the Year, an event that began in the 1950's. Now not only is this one of my favourite shows of the calendar, a programme I anticipate for fully twleve months each year and always dream to be a part of, but it always coincided with other regular traditions in my family. Every year when I was growing up, we'd all drive to my Grandma and Grandad's house to go get our Christmas tree. Every year, we'd go to the same forest close to their home, pick the tree, fit it onto the roof rack and guard it as if it were the crown jewels themselves. In fact when us kids were little, the tree would be stuffed inside the car as well which my brother and I used to love, just to smell it!!! And then we'd have a huge meal with our Grandparents before getting the tree home to decorate it that evening. And, to start consecutive sentences with the word and, that evening would always be the evening the Sports Personality of the Year show was on. It was planned that way, so we could stay up and watch the awards whilst decorating for Christmas and every single year the awards are on and the same, fantastic theme tune is played, I can't help but think about being a kid at Christmas again and how exciting it was.

Therefore, I will continue to act as juvenile and immature as possible, to try and keep hold of that childnishness (word?) inside me. I know how incredible Australia was last Christmas and I'm aching to return and I know how beautiful Nova Scotia looks covered in snow, just like a Christmas card, but I'll tell you, I'm so looking forward to collapsing on my parents' sofa with the tree lights on, watching Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire and The Spy Who Loved Me. I don't watch ET, it's good but not worth watching again. That's my interpretation of Christmas, being home.

And for the record, National Lanpoon is not the ultimate Christmas movie, that honour goes to Santa Claus the Movie and as far as I'm concerned, always will.

Why I live in Canada

2006-12-04T19:29:00.000Z

After the shitty British weather this morning, this is the view out of my lounge window right now.

And my Super, Jack, couldn't believe it when I told him I prefer the snow to the rain this morning. Is he crazy?

Still here

2006-11-29T19:51:00.000Z

Oh blogging, yeah forgot about that. It seems to have been so long since I last posted all kinds of things have been going on. Doctah J posted for one, telling us of the incredible adventures his job throws up and how he's heading for Sydney for four weeks. Nice place to be at Christmas, I know his wife likes to spend Christmas Eve out and about with handsome strangers in a see-through dress, which is not the worst experience in the world.

And Whisky Dan also got off his pooper to upload photos from halloween. Here's one - note Cole thought he was too cool to get a proper costume and decided a cross-dressing jackass would be the better idea. Idiot.

Speaking of Dan getting round to things, he decided to play around with our internet and put a password protection on it. As a result, it is much much slower, although we do advertise to our neighbours that 'Cole Hobson shaves his balls' as there really weren't any other options to name our wireless connection.

But less of those losers, what about me you ask? Well I'm still working lunchtimes at a Philipino restaurant downtown which is crappy enough but it pays the bills. However, I do have a new job starting soon at a brand new fancy-shmancy restaurant in Halifax. It's called Mosaic and will serve expensive food in the evenings before becoming a cocktail bar later on in the night. Hopefully, I'll get some good cash from it but I have to work hard. Last night, they took the staff wine tasting, as we have nearly forty wines to learn about and recommend. I'm quite excited about this place, it'll be fun. I say now!

Also, I have managed to maintain a relatively healthy, considerably serious relationship with a single member of the opposite sex. I say serious, as it's lasted over a month now and she still finds my jokes funny! Her name is Gameshow and has been getting on very well with Laura. One of the main advantages of Gameshow and Laura getting on are that Dan and I can get rid of them quite easily and have some quality ping-pong time without interruption.

In fact, not only am I still going out with a girl but so is Igor. What the hell is that about? And he's got a proper engineering job starting Monday. Congratulations again but why is everyone growing up and getting things together? I blame global warming.

I'm sure there's much more to tell you but I can't think of it off the top of my head. Congratulations to Rizzo and Rachael back home, for the birth of young Ashton. Wow, more people sorting their lives out. Maybe there's a hidden message in all this, but I ain't gonna look for it, I don't wanna know. Life is good, life is fun. I'm gonna stick with what I've got. See ya!

Very Impressed

2006-11-20T00:12:00.000Z

This evening marked the end of a four year wait as I managed to find the time to view the latest Bond movie, Casino Royale. Twas good, very good in fact. Now I know both Casino Royale and Daniel Craig have received nothing but exceptional reviews since the film was released but I of course needed to give it my own seal of approval as well.

I have only ever seen Daniel Craig in Layer Cake, a confusing and not brilliant film in my opinion. The only reason I watched it was to find out more about the guy after he had been cast as the new 007 and I liked what I saw, despite the film. However, it was understandable why Craig received so much opposition from Bond fans for his casting, simply because he didn't look the part. I believe he doesn't look right in this poster either.

Nevertheless, I certainly didn't jump on the bandwagon of campaigns such as Craig not Bond despite my anguish that Craig does not have a hairy chest so couldn't quote lines as Connery did, such as "There's a Japanese proverb that says birds don't nest in trees without leaves," an apt philosophy I follow. Rather I became intrigued by the potential new take on the franchise.

And that is exactly what Casino Royale is - a new take, a different perspective. Ok, Q and MoneyPenny are omitted, the gadgets are fewer and Bond is more physical than we are used to. But that closes one door and opens a window - instead of over-filling the film with ambitious stunts, the tension and suspense created throughout is fantastic. The quirks and one-liners have been minimalised as well, to ensure when Bond does deliver a line, it is timed perfectly, perhaps when unexpected, to maximise its effect. Craig is so hard-edged in this film, the one-liners are executed perfectly, you can hear the sarcasm or irony scream, which makes you laugh even more. Certainly I prefer such deliverance over Roger Moore raising his eyebrow, which always made his comebacks a little comedic for me. Personal opinion though.

What's the best thing about the new Bond? Well Daniel Craig himself answered 'the car,' which appears to be a pretty strong argument.

Seriously, how beautiful is this car? And for those who may argue it's no DB5, made famous by Connery in the 60's, well that's in the film too. Could you imagine being asked to play 007, drive an Aston Martin DBS and then an Aston Martin DB5? I'm surprised Craig accepted the pay check, not sure if I would. But is he Connery? Is he this cool?

Meh, doesn't matter. Because the new Casino Royale isn't trying to emulate the past, but enthrall audiences of today. Which it does, absolutely and undoubtedly. Daniel Craig has the look, the glare, the ego in the film to make me wish I could do that. There is a particular scene where he dons a tux and spends ages just looking at himself in the mirror. Front on, side on, for ages. He is James Bond, and loves himself as James Bond. Which is exactly who James Bond is: confident, arrogant in fact, selfish, ruthless, cold-blooded and the best at what he does. I think this pose sums up Craig's interpretation.

I wish I could pull off a look like that. Not for anyone else, but just for my ego. And that's why I think those who made and starred in this film should be congratulated. I wanted to be 007 today watching that film as much as I did when I have seen any other Bond film but for different reasons. His mannerisms, posture, presence were iconic to me just as Connery defined cool when beating Goldfinger in golf or as Pierce Brosnan looked standing next to John Cleese. The acclaim of this film must be twice as satisfying for him given the opposition to his original casting, to which I say enjoy and well deserved.

Cleaning up after Lois

2006-11-14T21:46:00.000Z

And where have I been for the past however long it's been since I last posted? Well my brother Gareth has been over in Nova Scotia since last Sunday, sent on a mission from back home to work out just why I live here.

However, he was allowed to take a quick break from his investigation and we decided said break should be in the Big Apple. Or if you want a more accurate nickname, the big traffic jam. It was not our fault we missed check-in for the flight back by 5 minutes, it was the fact the bus journey that had taken 35 minutes arriving in New York took about and hour and thirty five minutes on the way back, after leaving 10 minutes late anyway. Burman, don't say anything about the train. No, seriously shhh. Quiet. It was your fault anyway. Apparently they're renovating the city after the havoc you and your friends caused over the six months binge you went on.

But we did get out of the queues for enough time for some posing.

Nice place New York but weird weather. Look at the view here (photos not edited - I don't have as much time as Dan to spare) when we caught a helicopter ride over Manhattan, compared with how intense the sun was, creating a cool shadow of the Empire State Building.

And I won't even mention how much it pissed down and soaked everyone the one day. Oh, too late. Well, now I've mentioned it, I'll also tell you how I'd giggle at the Noo Yorkers running in the rain holding newspapers over their heads to keep dry. But it seemed quite effective, getting themselves and their papers wet at the same time whereas I was only getting myself wet at any given time.

Despite getting wet, missing a flight and deciding I couldn't live with that traffic system, New York is still very cool. I visited four years ago and have planned to go back since. I wasn't dissapointed, it is still a lot to take in and so surreal looking at things that are usually only ever seen on tv. These last photos are some of my favourite sights this trip, though we do have other photos on Gareth's camera. I expect to receive them before I get any Halloween photos off Dan. Do I go on about that enough?

Waiting.........

2006-11-02T14:40:00.000Z

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you a belated happy halloween. I planned to use this post to describe Double W's Halloween Ping Pong Palooza (or whatever mine and Dan's party was called), using the photos taken that night. However, I had no batteries for my camera and so I'm waiting for Dan to upload the ones he took and I can steal them.

Hopefully Dan will get off his arse soon, stop picking his nose and send me those photos so I can show you them. I guess that'll be by Christmas or the next time Doctah J updates his blog, whichever comes first!

Spot the Amateur

2006-10-28T19:13:00.000Z

See this photo from my last post?

Well, this is what happens when I upload it onto my computer. However, when Whisky Dan O'Never Blogs has a go and spends 5 spare minutes (which he has and I haven't) playing with the same shot on Photoshop, this is what happens.

It almost seems as if the photo has gone from being black and white to colour and the weather gone from cloudy to sunny. It also shows you get what you pay for so I advise everyone to turn to Dan for their photographic needs and I'll just hand out some snacks.

So why live in Canada?

2006-10-26T15:18:00.000Z

I get asked that question a lot. Apparently Nova Scotians are somewhat surprised and amazed that I would choose to live here. Yet I still struggle to articulate my reasoning. (How about that for proper English Laura?!?) So here is one of the reasons.

Now back home, we are used to landscapes and countryside such as the following, which heavily feature hills, river valleys and sheep.

And of course, castles, like Castell Coch.

Now this one is my favourite and just below the castle is one of the prettiest golf courses I've ever played as the castle itself is a dominant backdrop for every hole and can distract your opponent whilst you mess up a tee shot.

But anyway, Canada's different. Aside from the stunning national parks I've camped at during the summer and the Christmas Card effect the snow brings, the autumn ('fall' if you're that way inclined) is quite pretty too. In fact, I know it is Doctah J's favourite time of the year because of the different colours (colors for stupid people - Laura) of the leaves. Which I completely understand as these photos (hopefully) will show you.

So where were these pictures taken? Way out in the sticks? No, this is Point Pleasant Park, situated at the bottom of my road, a mere ten minute walk. As I do actually live pretty centrally within Halifax, I too was surprised to discover this location which is now where I go running. And I do prefer this setting to my old route, doing laps around the West End of Barry. It's places such as this which make Nova Scotia such a relaxing and pleasant part of the world to live in. Once the snow comes I'll go and take some more photos as I'm sure they'll look pretty cool as well.

Before I forget, check this little chappy out.

Canada is full of chipmunks and red squirrels such as this one, whose only objection to having his photo taken was that I wasn't allowed to show his face. I prefer these reds to those evil grey squirrels that have made the red squirrel endangered (they're not extinct yet, are they?) back home.

However, no part of Western society would be complete without a constant reminder of how man has overtaken the planet. For Port Talbot, see Dartmouth, the view from the other side of Point Pleasant.

Shit Happens

2006-10-20T19:41:00.000Z

So Canada. Nice place to live right? Hmm, some places. I must warn you if you come into contact with this person, run away.

Yeah I know you would anyway but now for more reason than ever. You see this convicted homosexual works at St FX University who are currently in the middle of an outbreak of suspected Norwalk Disease. Sounds pretty shitty to me but it's also been quite a bum deal for those members of Mount Allison University just across the border in New Brunswick. Apparently those turtles are trying to escape everywhere and I have decided it's my dootie to release this warning. I know, I know, it stinks but someone has to do it.

Luckily these young ladies can justify their relief over the outbreak as they got flushed out of the Mount A system this spring.

Well avoided Laura and Keltie.

So, in conclusion. Stay away from St FX and Mount A if possible. If you live in the facinity of either facility do not, DO NOT, come down to Halifax this weekend and expect to be let into my apartment. That means you Igor and stay away from Leanna too, I'll see she's looked after.

But do feel free to comment on this post. I felt hurt that no one did any business on my last one. What happened Emmj? Was Dub back home this week or something? I can usually rely on MJ for at least one unwitty comment that makes my humour look better, even if I've sunk to the levels of toilet gags. Or, if you like, you could visit Laura's blog and protest at the commentary accompanying her last photo as I know from personal experience, the sight of my chest typically brings about this kind of reaction.

Ping Pong Palooza

2006-10-15T18:33:00.000Z

So I had some crappy news this week, where the job I had lined up got pulled by the company accountants (now ALL accountants are in my bad books, especially Irish ones) so they could save some cash. That sucked but the company were almost as pissed as I was and said they'd try and help me out if poss. I doubt it so have been sending off some CVs and will do some chasing up Monday and Tuesday. If only I had a car, then I could work at Joe's again, anyone wanna give me one?

However, it's important to put disappointments like that into perspective - you know, Dan and I have a table tennis table. And therefore, last night saw the first Double W's Ping Pong Palooza, complete with vodka jelly shots.

Fortunately the first and second rules of Ping Pong Palooza are not 'you do not talk about Ping Pong Palooza' so here they are:

1. Drink one finger of beer per point you lose a game by
2. Drink one shot if you lose 5 consecutive points
3. Drink one shot if you foul your serve
4. Drink one shot if you win a point off a 'net shot'
5. Drink one shot if you get aced
6. Drink 2 shots if you drop/throw your bat
7. Both players drink a shot if the score is tied at 10-10
8. Drink one shot if you miss a smash
9. Drink one shot if you demand a replay of the point
10.Winner drinks a victory shot

Here are the rule breakers:

Unfortunately I was far too busy to take many photos so I only have two more to show and tell. This one is of Laura playing Laura, watched by new friends Chris (or Kennedy, whichever you, not he, you prefer) and Rebecca. This match was almost as long as if they were playing pool down the pub.

But this final shot clearly shows how Ping Pong Palooza can be devastating to the worst table tennis players.

No Doctah, I'm the real Bob the Builder

2006-10-09T17:40:00.000Z

Erm, I'll start by apologising to my loyal fan base (MJ) that I haven't been in much contact this last week. Yeah I have moved to Canada and spent much of the week settling in. From settling in, read buying things for the apartment.

Unfortunately I haven't started work yest as because the company is creating a position for me, I'm waiting for final confirmation from the head office accountants they can afford me. I like how the end of that last sentence sounds. Anyway, it's a day by day thing waiting for news which is unbelievably frustrating but I just have to keep thinking of the big picture - the job I'm after is really good with an excellent company so I'm being as patient as possible. And tight with my cash when I can be.

However, some opportunities you can't pass up when they come around regardless of one's current employment situation. After a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner at Cole's, we went to pick up mine and Dan's latest investment. Who else do you know can squeeze a table tennis table into a two bedroom apartment? Exactly.

Now, trust me, we have plenty of room for it. The guesswork has been done and all we need to do is rearrange some of the furniture. But Dan's still in New Brunswick and I'm not doing it all by myself - hence the cluttered living room at the moment.

And to try and dampen the handywork Doctah J has been doing for a few months, building his own furniture pretty much from scratch, here's what I had to start the day with.

Yeah that's right, bits of table tennis table and a safety instruction sticker. Why the bits of table tennis table you ask? Well, we had an issue or two transporting the table across town last night.

This was no simple task, such as shifting my double bed through downtown Halifax on a couple of shopping trolleys. No, this involved getting a table tennis table into Cole's car. Would have been fine if Scotty still had his truck but we had to make do with Cole's smaller than you'd think jeep. After using our resident engineer (Hines) to dismantle the thing, ignore the constant jipes following my using the word 'spanner' to describe a wrench and trying to buy a cat and assuming the table would fit, we discovered it wouldn't. My bad.

Fortunately enough we had a reserve Matt (Cole's neighbour) to tie our table parts onto the roof of the jeep. Just about. If you've ever been a passenger in a car driven by Cole Hobson, you'd know that aside from shoving vegetables into his person, he accelerates extremely sharply, avoids braking until is absolutely necessary and changes his mind regularly over which lane he prefers. This does not help the nerves of a person anxious to get a new table tennis table back in however many pieces we dismantled it into.

However, we did get the new toy home safely and then I'd have no worries. You'd think. Hey Dan, wonder where all your crap was? Yeah, under the sofa.

What a slob I live with. But if you can put up with him, please drop round anytime you wish for some table tennis. Maybe I'll just turn pro instead of pursuing my marketing career?

Being Smug

2006-09-28T15:53:00.000Z

Just a quick post to those who claim I am a lazy student. This is me this morning just about to deliver my dissertation to uni.

No, it didn't reach two volumes, I had to submit two copies. However, each one is 303 pages long, mainly statistics but still over 100 pages of text, around 23,500 words. Hopefully I'll get a good mark for it, we'll see on November 19th I think it is. But as Cat's mum said this morning, "it looks good, but I don't know, it could be crap." So I'll have to wait a while. I just wanted to point out I haven't been sitting on my arse all summer long though!

Oh and before I forget, I received an email yesterday. It was the monthly newsletter (although I've never noticed previous editions) from the Revesby Workers Club. If you've never heard of this place, I feel for you, you've missed out. If you know of this place, I feel with you, I miss it incredibly too. I guess the silver lining of this situation is that today is one day less than yesterday I have to wait until I visit the Workers again. Anyone else coming?

Oh, finally to those in Nova Scotia. See you tomorrow!

Preparations

2006-09-25T10:16:00.000Z

Things are looking good for my latest excursion to Canada. Last night I extended my winning Cranium streak and put up a good fight in Scattegories. Although I lost to Catrin, she's almost a professional word-ist-person-type-thing, so there's no shame in losing there.

Laura, take some time to warn yourself and your silly little friends Dan and I expect to dominate the world of board gaming and indeed earn a huge sum of money in the process. Hey Dan, let's challenge Meghan and Laura to a wager, beat them and then buy something we can prominently display in our bachelor pad which can be named appropriately. Something that can have a plaque put up by it that says "kindly donated by Laura and Meghan's shortcomings."

I'm going away now to practice being smug.

Modern Britain

2006-09-19T10:29:00.000Z

So what did I get up to this weekend? Yeah, I went up to Manchester to see the United - Arsenal game. I don't think I really need to talk about this as Arsenal's winner with 5 minutes to go speaks volumes by itself.

However, I will show some photos of the lovely area of Manchester we (whole family went) stayed at. This is the hotel we always use, situated in the Salford Quays (pronounced keys) area of Manchester and only a 15 minute walk from Old Trafford (United's ground). (Note to self - stop using brackets).

This area of Manchester was tarted up in 1987 and is now a very trendy, funky part of the world to live in. Just look at the local office blocks.

And this is a really cool hydraulic bridge, which can be completely raised to allow big ships to go to Liverpool. Why they would want to go to Liverpool is beyond me, the British version being just as bad as the Nova Scotian one.

Salford Keys are so popular, they have been used for the Commonwealth Games' rowing events and the UK Triathlon. In fact, there was some rowing event taking place this weekend to maximise the levels of toffness in the surroundings.

So, nice place then? Well...some parts are.

But then other parts are too 'British' for my liking.

Yeah nice one Britain. Typical.

Canadianisms

2006-09-13T13:32:00.000Z

I tell you, bloody Canadians, they're all the same. Nelly Furtado was on the Chris Moyles Breakfast Show this morning (really popular radio show over here) and she's just like the rest of them. Apparently it's really amusing to try and English accent and over-pronounce the words 'knickers' and 'bitter' (but without the t's in bitter). Grow up Canada!

Nevertheless, listening to Nelly Furtado gave me the chance to bore people once more with the encounter (of sorts) Doctah J had with her. You know, the one when she was singing in a bar in Calgary about a year before she became famous. Then she was sitting by said bar after the set and despite fancying the pants off her, Doctah didn't have the guts to chat her up. In hindsight, I should have emailed the show today and asked for a personalised autograph that said 'To Doctah J, grow some balls!' In fact, I've been kicking myself since that I didn't think of that one in time. Next time though!

Another situation you Canadians would have enjoyed in a sadistic way this week was my friend getting attacked. He's ok by the way but works for Securicor, moving big amounts of money around in an armoured van. You know, to and from banks and atms etc. Anyway, he got jumped this week and 4 guys made off with about £30,000. But he did happen to shit himself when they came at him with iron bars as he thought they were the barrels of guns at first. But no, don't be silly. Not in Britain. And being in Britain, of course he had nothing to defend himself but his protective hat. Hence they got away with the loot. Like I said, he's ok but the whole story did make me think of them Eskimos over there who find it bizarre the British police only have truncheons to protect themselves, echoed in the Simpsons when thats all the Queen's guards had in London. And whistles.

Bloody Canadians.

Coolest Music Video Ever

2006-09-06T14:51:00.000Z

Check this out. Yeah, I know it's not as enjoyable as a Holly Valance video but you have to admit it's a pretty cool video.

Cheers Stevo!

2006-09-04T12:49:00.000Z

I'm going to miss Steve Irwin a hell of a lot. No, I never had the privelidge of meeting him or knowing him personally but I loved that guy.

Since I was really small, I've always had some bizarre fascination with snakes and reptiles, fuelled by the interest and knowledge of my Grampy. Therefore, whenever Steve Irwin has been on TV I have found my self incredibly enthused, interested and entertained by his work. I loved his personality and passion for his cause. Whilst most people will recognise him as an unorthodox and eccentric television personality, I have been fortunate enough to visit his zoo in Australia and witness how much work he does to try and preserve various animals and that the whole purpose behind his 'entertainment' shows is to educate people and make them aware of their environment.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means someone who will chain themselves to trees, buy a Toyota Prius or refuse to eat meat. But I have a huge amount of respect for what Steve Irwin achieved in that I could never understand or condone poachers/hunters who I may not have been aware of without watching his shows.

What's more, Steve Irwin always involved his family with his work. I feel I 'know' his wife Terri and children Bindy and Bob as well as I 'know' him. Which makes today's horrible news a thousand times worse. They have my deepest sympathies and I hope they will find comfort from the millions of people who am doing what I am doing right now, publicising my appreciation for one of my heroes in how he improved my life despite living on the other side of the world.

Steve Irwin made me interested in learning about nature and put a smile on my face every time I saw him. He also showed everyone to be themselves, stamp their own personality on the world and to live life doing the things you love. I wish his friends and family all the best. Steve Irwin, you are a legend, thank you for being you.

Search Finished....No Pot of Gold I'm Afraid

2006-08-26T14:48:00.000Z

Yeah I couldn't find the lepricauns in Ireland, or their lucky charms for that matter. However, it has been a fun week as Dublin is a very cool place to visit. I almost feel I'm getting to know my way around that city now and I enjoy its distinctive culture although I'm not able to describe it. But I can describe one or two of the events of the past week using through the magic of digital photography.

This is the River Liffey, flowing through the centre of Dublin.

And Dublin's 'Spike' which as far as I'm aware is a tall thing that sticks up in the air to give some character to the skyline. Doesn't do much else but give 14 year olds something to lean on as they look tough sharing a cigarette.

And a view from St Stephen's Green, one of the biggest parks within a city in Europe. Apparently. Personally, I don't think it's all that big.

This is from within the grounds of Trinity College.

Trinity College is of course famous for housing the Book of Kells. However, you have to pay to see it and I saw it once when I was ten. Therefore I decided it far wiser to take a photo of the sign instead.

Now if you are ever financially challenged and find yourself in Dublin, not a good idea as the price of alcohol is through the roof. However, you can save a euro or two by beating the system. Now James Bond would be proud of this. When we entered the Guinness brewery we were told you can only go into the lifts and to the glass walled gravity bar at the very top if you bought a ticket for 14 euros. (9 for tax dodgers like me). Hmm, something smells fishy and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple pie. Last time I visited the Guinness place I never paid a cent and still got up to the bar with stunning views across Dublin. Then I remembered...take the stairs, no one checks for tickets there. Walk up and enjoy the view. Although I must point out they wouldn't let us buy a Guinness up there without our tour tickets but the thrill of beating the Irish security system was a substantial source of adrenalin and the black stuff could wait until it was cheaper back on the ground.

Oh and another cash-saving tip - you may as well visit Dublin in the winter when it's cheaper as winter is exactly the same as the middle of August in Ireland.

But I would advise hiring a tour guide. Ours was shit, considering he is a complete twat. Here is our useless guide maintaining his appearance.

The continuous lack of acknowledgement for those who paid significant funds to visit Niall drove Catrin to photographing this behaviour as she'd never seen anything like it.

What a twat-head. Speaking of twat-heads, I must also point out that this was the first trip to Dublin I have been on in recent years that hasn't involved a game or two of strip poker. Just a coincidence that it was these other occasions were graced with the presence of Lois? What a devious little minx she is.

What's Going On?

2006-08-21T11:03:00.000Z

Check this link out.

Apparently British passengers protested that 2 Asian men were speaking Arabic on their flight and demanded they be thrown off for safety reasons. Seriously, what is the world coming to?

Following up from my blog last week, I can fully appreciate these people being scared shitless of terrorism. But is it justified that they feel threatened by two Asian men who had gone through airport security? I wasn't there so I don't know. What I do know is that Britain has a significant population with Middle-East/Asian origins and I'm pretty sure they're not all terrorists. Just like not every person in Ireland is not a member of the IRA or every Brit tortures Iraqis.

Uhm, so what happens now? Is it best not to trust anybody and live a defensive life? Or would it be more enjoyable to assume those who mean to cause harm are such a minority that you probably won't ever encounter them so don't worry about it? Maybe somewhere inbetween, to be as vague and uncommitted as possible. Life's weird. I know Igor speaks Arabic so should I buy myself a weapon everytime I want to play table tennis with him? You know, in case he tries to sneak up behind me. I dunno, I really don't.

Anyway, on a more positive and definate note, I'm off to Dublin again tomorrow, woo hoo!

Stay cool.

Niall is a Twat

2006-08-19T09:47:00.000Z

This is Niall:

Now I apologise that this petty bitch has been a while in coming but I feel it necessary. I lived with Niall for two years in Swansea and had to put up with him being a dickhead 24 hours a day. Seriously, 24 hours a day. I had to put up with him stomping up the stairs and cranking his music up most sunday nights after he'd had a bad night out on top of his singing/fussing over light switches being the right way up/whinging when I'd hide his stuff. He was a nightmare to live with, a complete nob.

And he hasn't learnt! Last week nob-head flew to new york to see christina aguilera. So what did he do, uhm not realise he didn't know Lois' address where he's staying. So at 6.30 in the morning Niall thinks its a convenient time to call me for the address. Of course my phone is left where my Grandma was staying so woke her up and I don't have Lois' address either. So this meant Catrin had to be woken up to help this twat out.

Now I let this one go seeing as I am quite a mellow soul. But not twice! Stop texting me at stupid a clock in the morning with perverted messages - that goes for Queen Twat Burman and Whisky Dan O'Not so Irish.

LEAVE ME ALONE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 12am AND 9am AND THINK OF THE TIME DIFFERENCE!!!

I would now like to make it publicly known I am not visiting Niall next week (I'm in Dublin Tuesday to Saturday), I am visiting Ciara. She is my best Irish friend now (you're not Irish Dan) and if Niall happens to be there to, well I will only acknowledge you by beating you in chess again. Sorry, I mean kicking your ass in chess again. Twat.

Can't we all just be friends?

2006-08-10T13:53:00.000Z

Some things suck.

I woke up this morning in a good mood for once following a productive day yesterday and excited for another one today and my first pre-season soccer match this evening. Yeah, that didn't last long. I guess you've all heard how Britain is on a critical alert today which apparently means a terrorist attack is imminent. Bollocks.

As I'm writing now, I understand 21 people have been arrested and police believe they were going to blow up 'multiple' planes over the atlantic. That sucks. Now, they haven't revealed the nationality or any details of these terrorist suspects and to be honest, it doesn't matter to me. What scares me is that innocent families are at risk, who could have been going on their holidays or anything.

The biggest frustration for me is that whoever was behind this alleged attack puts the lives of people who haven't done anyone any harm whatsoever at risk. And I'm not so narrow-minded to forget my country have done this as well, in Iraq, Afghanistan or wherever (just thinking of the last few years!). Or I'm not so self-centred that I haven't thought of those civilians in danger in Lebanon/Israel right now or every single war that has ever been fought. I realise I shouldn't only show concern (i.e. blog) when my life is affected by conflict but it's not a nice feeling I'm having right now and just want to vent a little. In fact, I try to avoid getting too into worldwide events so I don't live my whole life in a state of paranoia.

I know I haven't been directed effected by what happened today and even if the worse had happened, I don't think I would have been immediately effected by that either. But I just don't like something that has nothing to do with me giving me cause for concern. Let me explain.

Last year, when London was attacked by suicide bombers, I was in Canada. I felt horrible at seeing somewhere I am extremely familiar with smashed up and awful for the people in the middle of everything. However, I was able to reflect on how happy I was at that time. I was working a job I thoroughly enjoyed, financially comfortable and socially active. There were no stresses at all living in Wolfville and it was a life I have aspired to ever since. I also realised the benefits of living in Nova Scotia, where, despite terrorism being rife in my home country, I knew it was happening in a different world to me and my family and I were safe.

I realise that sounds pretty selfish and self-centered but I can't lie, I am not particularly interested in global conflicts. I don't believe I hold any serious prejudices against any particular group of people (except women drivers - JOKING!!) and don't go around ranting over who is right and who is wrong in politics, religion or whatever. Maybe I debate about who Manchester United should be buying or who Wales should be picking but really is that the end of the world? Therefore, is it too much to ask to escape from the dangers of the 21st century?

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but I know what I'm trying to say and I feel better having got it off my chest. I'm just trying to keep out of way and have fun. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

PS. Remembered what I wanted to say in my last post. Apparently my Great-Great Grandparents are Irish - proper Irish. And so I was wondering Whisky Dan, does that make me more Irish than you?

Things you learn........

2006-08-09T13:03:00.000Z

Did you know that you have more chance of someone walking up to you on the street in New York City and biting you than you do of being killed by a shark? Seems Lois has settled in quite nicely then.

Found that out watching a really cool programme on sharks last night. This show definately rekindled my ambition to swim with sharks. I wanted to in Australia but didn't find anywhere with the facilities until my last night so that was a bit late. However, I'm quite happy there was this and a few other things I didn't get to do there which makes sure I have some new things to do when I next visit.

Shit, can't remember the other bizarre fact I learnt recently and wanted to share. Uhm...nope, it's gone sorry.

So instead, I'll talk about Igor's birthday which is today. Happy Birthday Igor! I will be hosting a birthday party for Igor this evening, food, beverages and strippers all supplied free of charge and there are plenty of places you can crash if you wish. All are invited. Turn up whenever is convenient for you, I guarantee it'll be more fun than anything in Halifax tonight!

And as I still can't remember that other noodle of information, I'll leave it at that. See you all tonight!!

Searching for Inspiration

2006-08-06T18:33:00.000Z

I find it increasingly difficult to blog when I have very little to discuss. Perhaps this is what it is like to be the Emmj who only blogs once in a blue moon.

See, not much has happened since I got home that is really exciting to chat about. I've spent most of my time doing my dissertation so I can finish it as soon as possible and move on over to Canada. We had a pretty cool 3 weeks over there and it's certainly a life I enjoy. It was extremely rare for Dan and I to sit around doing nothing in our apartment, which is my not my kind of thing. Believe it or not, I always try to think of doing something, anything rather than sitting around watching TV. So I'm excited that from September, so many people will be easily accessible that I can beat at poker, darts, pool, ping-pong, Winning 11/Pro Evo and so on. Or so many bars with friendly (i.e. not afraid of flirting) staff serving dirt cheap wings and beer. I like Halifax.

Unfortunately, various excursions to places such as Halifax can leave one potless when unemployed. Hence this weekend has involved a significant amount of gardening and painting and deciding I shouldn't go to the pub. Really, I didn't go! However, Old School was on TV so that was a fine alternative. See, life really is pretty dull right now! I'm telling you (and you're reading it) that I stayed in Saturday night and watched a film on TV.

I apologise if this blog is slacking today but I have no material! These next few weeks involve a lot of getting my head down and working hard so I'll be able to reason 'I deserved to' when playing hard in Canada. If you do feel the need to stimulate your mind further, may I recommend reading Carolyn's or Lauren's blogs. They've just returned from their European excursions which were certainly enthralling enough and I was lucky to partake in a tiny section. But now Carolyn has posted photos from Rome, one of the places highest on my places to go list and Lauren has summed up the entire trip extremely accurately. Certainly note that I can empathise highly with those who were impressed they chose to visit Eastern Europe (full of Igor's) more than Western Europe (full of me's) and the point about the sheep - there's no smoke without fire!

So do keep on your toes, the moment something interesting happens over here I'll let you know. But for now, you may want to look elsewhere.....

Campino

2006-07-31T13:11:00.000Z

So we returned to Fundy. Well, like a week and a half ago but Lois has been soooo busy back in new york, she couldn't post any photos for me to steal off her till now. Actually, I only took one photo on my trip to Canada and that was of the Isle of Wight on the plane home as I could see the whole island beautifully as the sun rose. Nice.

Anyway, Fundy. Didn't see any gerbils again this time, or any Pokemon characters either. However, what we did see was the rain. And the wind. And some more rain. And some mist. And a $30 Walmart tent holding up better than Laura's old one and Monica's super-tent put together. Is there anything Walmart cannot do? Yeah! Sell me some cheap waterproofing spray (but that's an entire series of blogs on its own so I'll leave it for now).

No, camping was great. Eventually, bloody Nova Scotia weather. We had fun, it's the people that make anything in life. For example, it's only just dawned on me now that I actually lost in Botchie (sp) Ball for the first time in my life, I was so enthralled that after 24 (ish) 'ends' Cole had failed to score but one point. And you know what he gets like. Kinda like when he introduces 'tips,' a frizbee game to the group and then proceeds to have his ass kicked. Twice. Without reply.

At this point, perhaps some pictures will fill you in a little more, or rekindle those memories just a tad. Well, let's see....

Woman = Cooking

Monica = Cooking for Herself. Just Herself.

Me = Carrying a heavy bag of booze.
Heavy bag of booze = Lois' supplies. Just Lois' supplies.

Dan, Brett & I = Men
Men = Put up the Tarp
Lois = Guard her own drink.

Laura = Wwwwwwwwooooooaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And of course,

London Buses

2006-07-25T19:15:00.000Z

Blog postings are like London buses. You wait ages for one, then two appear one immediately after another. Much of life is like that I'm afraid.

So, we went camping this weekend. Despite the rain and the delays and the fact Cole was there, it really was a good weekend. I'll fill you in a little when Lois gets off her arse and sends me the photos so I can use them to save a thousand words. Dan has begun such an account if you want to hear his side of the story before I get my say. But do note the stunning photo he took of one of the lakes at Fundy and I am excited to say he has had it printed off large and is about now getting it framed for our office/ping-pong room (when table is bought).

Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was our road trip home. As Dan and Lois decided they needed to sleep the whole journey, it was left to Cole and I to discuss baseball. Pretty one-sided conversation. Nevertheless, when we drove near Pizza Express, Dan and Lois had a sudden urge to wake up and feast. Nice enough meal, nice enough place. Whatever. No one cares.

What people might care about is the email Dan received at work today. Apparently Danielle, our waitress, contacted him with some how-do-you-do chit chat in response to his business card being left on the table, with her name on the top. Nice one smoothie! Must've been all those photos you were taking of her.

Note to Dan - the reason the cute waitress at the Alehouse didn't reply to the message "I" left her last week is because all you left was a drunken scrawl and addressed it to "the cute waitress." I left Danielle a professional card, personally addressed.

Note to everybody else - get a business card.

Job Hunting

2006-07-24T19:23:00.000Z

I want a job. More specifically, I want a job like Igor's, who works at the Dalhousie University Gym.

Right now Igor is sitting on my couch engaged in a Pro Evolution Soccer tournament on the Xbox. He is about 25 minutes late for work. He will go to work when it stops raining with Dan and I to play table-tennis. Probably for at least an hour. Then he may take a well-earned break and go with us to play pool. I'm not exaggerating here, this has been the norm for the past two weeks.

In fact, last week Igor and I were going to play pool so he could have a break from work. He left a plastic clock on the door of his office to note he'd be back in around 45 minutes. Unfortunately we never made it to pool. We got intercepted and convinced to join other friends at the pub for wing & pitcher specials. Fine. 45 minutes later, Igor decides to call his girlfriend Leanna, who's supposed to meet him and go swimming at a nearby lake. Yeah, he's still working. He tells Leanna to go via his gym and fix the plastic clock to say he'd be back in another hour. Then goes to the lake. Around an hour later, Igor returns from the lake to the pub. But he did have to go via the gym to lock up an hour early before he could join us for the rest of the night.

I'd love to be paid to play table tennis and go to the pub. The Canadian Dream, eh?

Lookalikes

2006-07-16T17:01:00.000Z

Laura came to visit Dan and I this weekend. She's an idiot. In her eyes, apparently I look like a famous film star. Mind you she'd had several margaritas by this time and was going to the loo every 25 seconds. Nevertheless, who could I allegedly look like?

Which film star springs to mind? For the past 3 or 4 years I have taken great pleasure in telling people a couple of people have mentioned I look like Ben Affleck. This argument was fuelled further by a taxi driver last year despite MJ's protests and despite the fact I don't agree with the suggestion, I'm more than happy to try and milk any comparisons.

(This is Ben Affleck, not me by the way)

So I wouldn't usually hark on this long about some drunken sprawl of Miss Jones. However, she was extremely adamant that I looked like a certain person and went on about it for ages. Her assertion makes the claim even more ridiculous as she was convinved.

So who is it? I know you're desperate to know who Laura thinks I look like now.
Well. Err, how do I put this? Uhm....Keira Knightley! Yeah really, what an idiot. Keira Knightley? FHM's sexiest woman of the year? Hmm. I can't see it.

As Doctor Evil would say: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright

Thanks Laura

Wanted

2006-07-14T13:25:00.000Z

Dan and I will be acquiring the following for our apartment so we can be as much like Joey and Chandler as possible. If you have any personal links to this shopping list please let us know. (Don't put links to classifieds, we know about them)

1. Ping Pong Table (we prefer it to foosball)
2. TV-Dinner Trays
3. Hot girl neighbours (although if Melissa from 606 is reading this, you're cute!)
4. Melissa from 606 is not reading this, hence I included point 3
5. A clean-freak as Dan is a slob and I don't want to clear up his mess
6. Bedding that says 'young boys welcome' and 'come to me' (Don't comment unless you know 'Friends')
7. 2 Brand New Lazy Boys as ours do not have massaging backs or fridges in the arms
8. A Duck and a Chick - no, scrap that. Just some chicks.
9. FIFA or Pro Evo for the Xbox. Or Dub's Xbox 360.
10. A balcony we can strap on to the side of our apartment
11. The instructions for our answer phone
12. The finances to live a high life in New York City without having to do any work.
13. A new date every week
14. Microwave
15. Hoover/Vacuum

Note to self - stop doing lists on your blog

Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

2006-07-10T16:16:00.000Z

Things are different in Nova Scotia.

1. Cole has grown a chin-strap beard and is a construction worker. He looks like he has just walked out of a Village People audition.
2. Igor has a girlfriend. She's cute, lovely and puts up with him bossing her around. Weird.
3. The bar and restaurant service has become ridiculously bad. Our waitress at Your Father's Moustache only got away with this because she kept showing us her breasts.
4. Ping Pong is the new sport. I think gone are the days of road hockey.
5. Cole didn't try any of Olivier's hot sauce.
6. Gambling is rife, with dollars being waged on anything from magnetic darts to black versus white people at athletic meetings.
7. Igor has golf clubs. As of yet, we're unsure whether or not he knows what they actually are.
8. Igor learnt to cook. However, it was the lack of fluffiness in his omelette that caused Lianna to come 2nd in her race yesterday.
9. It rains here now.
10. Monicer has discovered white russians.
11. The escalating prices for hiring computer games and going to the cinema makes a quiet night more expensive than Saturday night going out.
12. Igor lost his soul patch.

Well, not all things are new. Some things will always be the same.

1. Dan sucks at pool. He just bought a book (yeah, a book) to get better.
2. Dan lives like a slob. He doesn't have a hoover in the apartment, but does have a hairdrier. He doesn't have a microwave either, but has a blender instead.
3. Dan works less than even Lois.
4. Dan is always on the phone/msn-ing Laura. Although she's mostly to blame for that.
4. US gameshows pick the most annoying contestants they can find and complement them with the loudest audiences imaginable. Just what I look for in a gameshow.
5. Canadian commercials are the dumbest in the world.
6. They still haven't imported any decent bread.
7. More girls than guys are into football here. Weird.
8. Ugly girls are not allowed to be waitresses in Nova Scotia.
9. Keiths.
10. Canadians still get amused when you use a different word to what they would use.
11. Magnetic dartboards repel darts from the high point segments.
12. I like it here :)

Next Time......

2006-07-05T21:31:00.000Z

Next time I check this blog out I'll be in Canada. Pretty cool eh?

See - I still remember the language. Err...eh, I'm going oat, twoonie, toque, Bluejays, ass (not arse), what you saying?

Till then!

As Requested

2006-06-30T11:44:00.000Z

Laura asked me to show her a picture of irony. Well here it is:

I must confess that I did simply enter the word 'irony' into a google images search. However, I was pleasantly surprised to see this image pop up as it has been one of my favourite pictures on the internet for a few years now. But I have always preferred this one:

Have a good weekend!

Wellity Wellity Wellity....Goody Goody Flanders needs help from Stinky Pants Simpson

2006-06-27T21:25:00.000Z

So Wimbledon is here again, as they say. However, although I can't be sure, I don't think Wimbledon goes anywhere else for the rest of the year. I'll look into it but I haven't seen a suburb of London on the Eurostar just yet.

And what does Wimbledon bring with it? Yes that hysteria only the British can exhibit as they convince themselves our players are far superior to the higher ranked, more successful opponents. Case in point - England at the World Cup. Anyway, this year is slightly different as everyone knows Henman won't beat Federer tomorrow in the 2nd round and despite accepting Murray is an incredible talent, people tend to think he hasn't the physical stamina to maintain his performance over two weeks. Yet. Oh, nearly forgot Greg Rusedski (already out at time of print) who despite being Britain's official Number 1, has been banished to the outside courts that no-one watches. Apparently he's become more Canadian now he doesn't win as many matches as when he first came over here.

But what Wimbledon has also brought with it (back from its holidays) in recent years is the debate over equal pay. Now don't get me wrong, I am perhaps the most chauvanistic person in the world. I believe women should be at home making the tea and not playing tennis. However, if they are unmarried then ok, they may be allowed to pursue other interests, such as playing tennis. And if so, I really am a little ashamed that women players do not get paid as much as their male counterparts at Wimbledon.

People argue that as women play fewer sets than men at the major championships, then they shouldn't get paid as much. Personally, I shout Balderdash! Are they seriously suggesting men train more outside of games? travel more in between events? take longer in the showers? My untrained tennis eye very much doubts this. It's the average players I genuinely feel sorry for, not really that the winner only gets six hundred and something thousand (which the French think is the problem), but those who have to pay their air-fares and accomodation and coaching fees etc. out of their winings, not the millions Nike or Adidas give them each year.

Shit. I guess this means I agree with Venus Williams, who has been the most outspoken tennis star this week. I've never really liked her or her sister but she does make a good argument, pointing out that last year's women's final was longer than the men's. Seriously, Wimbledon should catch up with the rest of us, in the 21st century. Oh and take that more time on the court argument with you when you go on holiday in two weeks time.

PS. Good luck Andre Agassi, one of my favourite players because of his whole attitude towards the game, as he takes on his final ever Wimbledon.
PPS. Title is one of my favourite Simpsons lines and just popped into my head. It would have been "People, People...We're all frightened and Horny" but I used it last year in a group email and still giggle and Jeffrey's reply stating he wasn't frightened.
PPPS. I haven't used many illustrations in this blog recently so here are a few to continue the tennis theme of this post. Ciao!

(Shh...Sharapova's my favourite!)

Never tell me to stop updating my Blog

2006-06-23T17:02:00.000Z

Anyone want a laugh?

Right, head down to Central Park, New York in the next couple of weeks. Apparently Miss 'Haven't Stopped Eating Since I Got Here' Burman is going to try and shed a few pounds roller skating. Pfft, what an idiot. I reckon the air fare would probably be worth just watching that!

Computers Suck

2006-06-22T10:24:00.000Z

And why do computers suck? Well, because you have to pay hundreds of pounds to buy one yet in today's fantastically technologically-driven world they break after just 2 years. Well to be precise, the first laptop I ever bought broke after less than a year when the motherboard did something. So I had a free laptop to replace it. This laptop, 2 and a half years later has to go to the doctors soon to see if its motherboard is knackered. What a gip. And I tell you what adds to the frustration, that I had to call the company at least 6 times to establish that I may have a motherboard problem after receiving a virus at an extortionate rate. Oh, I nearly forgot, with a 20 minute on-hold period. Medion, despite being a total left bollock of a company still makes a fortune out of suckers like me. I really should know better.

So that's one frustration this week. The second being I am currently waiting around to start my dissertation and I can't without my supervisor. However, I haven't been assigned a supervisor despite the process only supposed to take 2-3 weeks, 5 weeks ago. I hate that. I really do get incredibly irritated when someone says they'll do something and doesn't. If you can't that's fine. If it'll take longer than you thought, fine. But please don't promise something based on years of experience and when you don't do it, say nothing. For example, the person in charge of allocating my supervisor emailed me on Monday February 27th saying she was sorry for already going over the deadline for returning an assignment but would have the marks back "by the end of this week, and in any case no later than Monday of next week." I received my mark on the 13th of March, 2 weeks later! That's bullshit, I'm sorry but following her original email I had been checking online every day since. If you can't be sure of doing something, don't promise it. Twat. Hopefully I will soon be able to plan my summer, I think. Yeah, that bugs me.

Honestly, if I hadn't had the world cup to watch this past week I reckon I would have punched at least a hundred people. But that's inexcusable. Really, people should have a very good reason if they want to get into a fight. One instance that is not a good reason is A GROWN MAN PUNCHING A SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY IN THE HEAD in Scotland this week, in front of the kid's dad. Why you ask. Because the boy committed the cardinal sin of.....wearing an England soccer shirt in Scotland. What a dickhead. There is currently a big hunt for this man in Scotland and a reward out for him. Good. Go find him.

Sometimes I really wonder about the people in this country. Has anyone seen those 'fan park' things in Germany? You know, where they have huge TV screens by rivers in picturesque areas of the big cities? Yeah, so people can watch the world cup games with bars and bands and mix with other fans. So, we have the Germans watching games with the Poles together, the Germans watching with the Dutch, the Germans watching with the French, very harmoniously. (Note the common theme) However, guess which country has had to resort to switching off the big screens in its city centres when the football is on because of violence between its own residents? Yes, well done England - we can't show the football in London and Manchester because of too much fighting between the English and the English. Honestly you wouldn't believe the (accurate) horrible reputation of yobbishness and thuggery that goes with being British the moment you set foot on the continent. Wankers.

Before I go, I cannot confirm the sightings of any Serbia & Montenegro supporters at these German fan parks. I think they're all hiding in the corner in shame. But to be fair, I didn't think a two goal head start on a team that has never won a world cup game before and is nicknamed the elephants was enough either.

Changing times - for the better?

2006-06-14T11:38:00.000Z

It appears the world is continuing to change. Europe is preparing to welcome its newest country since 1993 in the shape of Montenegro, splitting from Serbia despite a population of only around 650,000. Even Wales is bigger than that and we still rely on England for quite a lot!

Now not for one moment would I attempt to provide an opinion on this matter as the only person I know who could explain the situation is a flamer who is currently undergoing an experiment into dating women. By the way, I have been told from several sources she is extremely lovely and charming, which puzzles me further. Anyway, perhaps Igor would explain exactly what this split means to the people of both countries?

From my brief investigations, it appears over 85% of Montenegrans voted but only 0.4% above the 55% needed to grant independence. This means that nearly 45% of voters were against independence, creating a divided nation? And apparently the Serbs aren't to happy as they now become land-locked, harming their tourism and logistics. I really hope that this does not lead to any conflict whatsoever.

Normally, there is so much bollocks going on around the world I try to ignore it. I think if I tried to keep up with everything, it would lead to a state of confusion, mistrust, anxiety and paranoia. So I take the easy way out. However, in the past week or two, the ugly face of terrorism has reared its ugly head again in Britain, despite the absence of any terrorist activity whatsoever.

Whilst I was in London with the backpacking hippies (they were a total cliche), police were busy shooting and arresting terror suspects in another part of the city who they suspected of building chemical weapons. Now I would never suggest we take anything other than the toughest stance possible towards the threat of terrorism but it seems these suspects were completely innocent and simply scared shitless. They were interviewed yesterday describing how they felt when police kicked down their doors armed to the teeth and it didn't sound entirely pleasant.

But what does this lead to? I read about the raid before it was announced it was unnecessary and started thinking about it when on the tube, where 3 bombs were exploded last summer. I vividly noticed how enclosed I was with nowhere to hide or escape if I was there last year. I also noticed 5 or 6 youngsters of an ethnic minority (have no idea how to phrase this politically correctly, sorry) just chatting or whatever and suddenly thought are there people who now watch such a group with suspicion and worry. Not the police, just regular people wary of another attrocity.

How horrible is that? Really, it's racist for a start but also an awful way to live life, in fear and mistrusting others. It's certainly not the way I'd want to live my everyday life. Not that I think any of this will happen in either Cardiff or Montenegro but sometimes I just yearn for an easy going, nothing ever happens life in good old Nova Scotia, where I don't have to give a monkeys about anything. Seriously, there's a hell of a lot of shit in this world, which I think I'm gonna try my utmost to just escape from and ignore. Probably easiest.

Anyway, aside from the state of the world, we're in one of the best times of the year right now. Now is the beginning of summer and that can only mean two things - windows down driving songs and sunshine sheilas. One of my favourite pastimes at the moment is driving - anywhere - windows down, stereo turned up and listening to anything by the strokes, the jam or one of the greatest songs of modern times - COUNTRY GIRL by PRIMAL SCREAM. Download it, you'll love it. Oh and sunshine sheilas, as you know, are those girls who all disappear during the winter and as soon as the sun starts shining again, reappear wearing skimpy little outfits. Which of course you can look at all day long cos they can't see where your eyes are fixed behind those sunglasses you now have to wear because of...err, the increased UV from the terrible damage we're doing to the atmosphere. Awful this global warming, for shame.

London Photos

2006-06-09T15:20:00.000Z

Does exactly what it says on the tin. You'll notice a lack of touristy/landmarky pics as I didn't have my camera the day we saw all that lot, explained previously. The person to blame for that (surprisingly not me) is Carolyn who said she didn't have my camera in her bag. I chose not to believe her as a result of my continuous hanging out with sarcastic twats (niall, lois, you know who you are).

So here are a couple of shots.

Lauren trying to pick up

Carolyn getting her come-uppance

Matt (not me) and Danielle - some more BC-ers

Danielle and Me (in case you forgot what I look like)

Carolyn and Lauren doing their best impression of typical British girls on a night out (although the trott and lois aren't really typical or British or girls)

A new discovery for me - Dean's Court (I think that's what it's called), just round the corner from Covent Garden. It is very chilled and funky, like most of my favourite places in London.

So that's all I have of London. I must leave you now as the time is exactly 4.40pm GMT, meaning the World Cup kicks off in 20 minutes!!! I always forget how incredible this tournament is, creating some of the most significant moments in the sport. This is the test, where those who are all talk and those who actually are the best in the world are shown for who they are. Colin and Edith on Radio 1 have been playing inspirational songs all day long to create the mood, and they did it for me. I've been so pumped all afternoon I had to go for a run (1st one for over a month - knee seems okish) despite the scorching heat we've had this week. Well, to be honest, I've been doing the British thing of absorbing the sun at all costs this week anyway to try and tan up for when I hit Canada for my hollybobs. I'll pick a date soon, don't panic over there.

Right. World Cup. Enjoy it!

London Busted

2006-06-05T19:53:00.000Z

What a weekend. I love London, it's so retro and trendy. Although I have been to the city several times before, I still yearn for the life of those who were having a drink on the banks of the Thames or watching the sun set over the skyline from their riverside apartments. It is a cool place to visit.

Obviously the best part was hanging out with Lauren and Carolyn. So very very strange seeing them in Britain. I felt the same last year when Doctah and Dan came to visit (oh no, Dan stayed in Canada) as it's so surreal to see my friends from another world in mine. I am also so surprised that Carolyn is still with us. HOW CAN ONE PERSON SCREW UP CROSSING THE ROAD EVERY SINGLE TIME?!?

In London, it's even printed on the road 'look right' for those idiots everywhere else in the world who drive on the wrong side of the road, but oh my, I lost count of the number of times she was left stranded on a traffic island or had to sprint in front of a cab.

Canadian people are funny. Lauren's friend Matt (not me) got confused getting off the tube when the driver announced next stop 'buru,' expecting 'Burrow' for the stop 'Borough.' We don't have time to pronounce all the letters people! (Note to self - take quotation mark addiction tablets) And both girls loved our bus tour guide for his excessive use of the word blimey! Little things, little things.

Erm what else? Yeah they enjoyed Notting Hill. I know Hugh Grant also thinks so, but it is one of my favourite parts of London, so alternative and funky. Many houses are painted different colours and the market is very different to the norm so it all adds up. Also the fact I have found a fantastic coffee shop opposite the actual travel book shop, somewhere I first had to visit after a 2 and a half year wait. And everyone enjoyed the traditional British curry my new friend Terry took us out for, lovely meal, I'm very grateful to that man. What? It is our national dish according to Tony Blair.

Obviously we did the touristy stuff but hopefully the travellers enjoyed the other things that people like me know about to show them. We saw Notting Hill, not on the traditional tour, picknicked in the grounds of Westminster Abbey and visited one of the world's largest hands-on toy stores, Hamleys. Adam, Carolyn says she could leave you in there for days. However, she also said me and her would have some make-out time when Lauren and Danielle moved to another part of the bus.

One thing a traditional tour of London does not include is the opportunity for a photo in front of a traditional landmark holding a sign saying something about Cole Hobson. Said sign is now winging its way around Europe so keep an eye out. I have a couple of photos which I'll try to get round to posting but not Cole ones as I forgot my camera on that excursion. What is holding me up is that my computer is currently awaiting an operation after suffering two viruses in two weeks so I'm on my brothers. I don't like its manufacturers so am hoping a mate of mine can sort it out for some cash.

Speaking of cash, I'm off to my Grandma's tomorrow for a couple of days gardening. Right now I'm waiting to get the ok for my dissertation so am in a money-making mood. Spent today washing Dad's caravan in the sun, happy days. Apart from that, I've enrolled on an Entrepreneurship module at uni just for the hell of it and perhaps it'll give me a kick up the backside to one day get a proper job. Probably not though.

Ok gang, don't watch your step - mind your step and have fun!

MJ is a loser

2006-05-30T11:02:00.000Z

Hey y'all

Just a little update on the last few days. Yeah, I went to see the Da Vinci code on Sunday, despite the awful reviews I happened to enjoy it. Of course it's not as good as reading the book but I think it's definately worth seeing. And they change the ending slightly, which I liked as I felt a little let down by the ending in the book. Can't say anymore in case you plan on seeing it and haven't as yet. And Tom Hanks was good, despite the press, although I am slightly biased as he's one of my favourite actors. However, this case proves my previous recommendation of not looking getting excited about something can make you pleasantly surprised as I was expecting this film to be poor (according to everyone else). But I had to see it even if it was, just one of those things.

Even if the Da Vinci Code was the worst film I'd ever seen (beating some J-Lo thing I walked out of, the Cell maybe?), then I still had my money's worth. Although it's been floating round the internet, seeing the teaser trailer for Casino Royale, the new Bond film certainly made the trip worthwhile. Igor, make sure that note in your diary is in big red ink. I don't care how cute this new girl of yours is, we have a date. But not that kind of date, and why did you call me babe in your comment to the last post? Weirdo. Also Pirates of the Carribbean 2 is out on July 6th, awesome. Yet again, I will expect that to be a big let down so hopefully I'll be proved wrong.

Hmm, I seem to have spent a long time writing about films. Well, I tell you, I'm getting used to writing large amounts. I have finally finished my last two essays for my masters, both had to be 5000 words due this week - GET IN. I spent most of the week cutting over 3000 from my report on Tim Hortons so I'm just full of useless information just trying to get out.

I should really be writing about my speed dating last night but I may leave that till the next time. No, not really. I'll explain all now. My friend Catrin is starting up her own business (I seem to have been saying that for a while now!), organising events such as speed dating so she needed some volunteered volunteers to participate in a dummy run last night. Well, most people there were already in relationships so nothing mattered and it was all a bit of fun.

As promised, Matty came up with some interesting career claims during the night, perhaps he doesn't think being a marketer sounds too interesting. Apparently, I am either an Aston Martin test driver, a writer for the Times who just wrote a piece about a study showing triangular sandwiches taste better than square sandwiches or I work for the Government, deploying troops from the nearby RAF base to Iraq. That last one would have turned into working for MI5 but I'd already told the girl I lived locally, so couldn't pull off working in London. Damn, I really wanted to do that one. Apparently, they all believed me when we were chatting afterwards! You see, the reason people don't go speed dating is they're scared of people like me being there and taking the piss, I really can be a drain on society.

In other news, there was a huge celebrity/soccer legends soccer game this week on tv. Huge hype, they were showing clips from training sessions all week long. I just wanted to say nice on to Sergei Federov for going out clubbing one night and not showing up till the day after the next morning whilst eveyone else was taking it seriously. He's a trooper. You may also notice that despite the title of this post, I haven't mentioned MJ at all. No, I have no news about MJ, I just felt like reminding everyone what I think of her. Harsh.....but fair.

OK, have a great week if I don't speak to you before friday. Then it's London baby! Carolyn & Lauren - I'm pumped, it'll be awesome. Everyone else - you're missing out, See ya!

Out on a Limb

2006-05-26T10:28:00.000Z

Ok, I just wanted to get publish this before the event. I do not think Brazil will win the forthcoming World Cup. If you listen to every single football player, pundit (David Pleat & Trevor Francis are muppets, they don't count) or those who really know,the bookies (Ladbrokes,William Hill and Bet Fair) to name but three, all you will here is that Brazil will win. And win comfortably.

However, I believe that this smacks too much in the face of France 98, where Brazil were the unbelievable favourites for that tournament and had a player untouchable who could win it on their own (See Ronaldo, Substitute Ronaldihno). Oh yeah, they didn't win.

Now I have absolutely nothing against Brazil. I am a complete neutral in the World Cup as Wales haven't qualified since 1958 and only want to be entertained and impressed by the world's best. So I wanted Brazil to win the last one because to do that they'd have to play well and when Brazil play well, it's incredible to watch.

But I'm pretty sure it won't happen again. I think they'll get carried away with the hype and lose focus. That's where they'll lose....but I have no idea who to. Seriously, aside from Brazil, anyone from England, France, Italy, Portugal and even the Germans could win but it's oh so close between these teams. So....I'm gonna plump for Argentina. How could a team with Gabriel Heinze fail?

Yeah, that's my prediction, not necessarily that the Argies will triumph but I really don't think Brazil will and I just wanted to be the first to say it which is why I'm posting this now. Ok, now go place your bets.

PS. The World Cup is all the poorer for Robbie Keane not partaking, eh Dan?

When it rains, it really pours

2006-05-19T15:43:00.000Z

What a shitty week. I have nothing to post about right now, I'm just in a bad mood moaning away which I spend a lot of my time doing. My brother bought me some golf lessons for my birthday (although I did tell him to) and we were due to start Sunday. However, my knee is still like Fatty's (watch Twin Town) so we've had to postpone. This knee is a pain, I hope I've only twisted it, but have to wait 2 weeks till they'll do any tests to know for sure.

And that means I can't drive anywhere either so I've stayed in all week, bah. I think the only thing keeping me sane is repeats of Bullseye and Only Fools and Horses last night. So, I've been writing more essays which is Ok, but not when I have to use my sister's laptop cos mine GOT A VIRUS. Which means I had to restore the factory settings on my C-Drive and reinstall stuff. Fine. But on reinstalling the internet the keyboard froze and now the computer won't start up without having some kind of 'Program 1 not responding.' What is Program 1? Sounds like another virus to me but I have so little patience for help lines I've not touched my computer all day and will only phone them up when I find a good mood. Should be round Christmas then?

So I finish my essay. Brilliant, I think. I can relax all weekend before I try to finish the next one off. But oh no, now I remember I have to submit a proposal for my dissertation, which is a huuuuuuuge waste of time. Fair enough, they'll tell us if we can do the topic we've chosen (I'm doing the world cup) and will get assigned to an appropriate tutor, but there are so many lecturers in the business school, can't they just set up a meeting with the 50 of us. I even have to fill out a proposed timetable, what's that about? I have no idea what I'm doing tomorrow night, let alone in August (well, hopefully going to Dublin again). And I've no idea how my time will go writing this thing, never done one before. So I left that to tick the 'being ethical' boxes, no I won't take advantage of people I survey or trick them or ask them for their phone number and if they have a boyfriend. It's like being asked if I have a bomb in my hand luggage, oh crap you busted me, I'll hold my hands up. I know it's all necessary but even being stuck at home, I'm sure I could find something better to do.

Speaking of hand luggage, I wonder how much they could fit in that new Airbus 380? Anyone see it landing at Heathrow yesterday? It's bigger than my ego! Apparently they'll start with flying 550 passengers but could increase it to about 800 depending how much leg room the carriers want to give them. Apparently there'll be shops and I think a bar or something like that, very luxurious and Emirates have already ordered 45 of the things! However, I would not want to fly on that thing, no way. Can you imagine, they'll probably ask you to check in 4 days before the flight and do not expect your baggage to arrive on the carosel (how do you spell it?) for a minimum of 4 to 6 weeks. Takes long enough when there are only 200 people on board.

But I'll end on a positive note. Two aircraft I will be excited about are the ones transporting Lauren and Carolyn over to Europe. We're planning to meet up for a couple of days between June 1st and June 4th in London, whenever I can fit them in! That's something I'm looking forward to, London is such a cool city and hopefully they'll find the parts I like to their liking as well. Otherwise I won't get paid for my tourguiding. I say I'm being the tourguide as Adam may get jealous if I mention Carolyn calls it a 'playdate.' I dunno, maybe she's after some crazy European sex?

Football Tour way better than Cranium Parties

2006-05-15T11:07:00.000Z

Honestly, who'd wanna play Cranium on a Saturday night or take a Manhattan cruise when you and seventeen other hooligans can spend the weekend trashing Butlins in Minehead. Yeah that's right, you missed out big time losers!

Obviously what goes on tour stays on tour so for that and other legal reasons, I cannot give too much detail about what happened over the last 72 hours. However, I will list some brief descriptions of the most noteworthy events, some of which I may have personally played some or no part in.

- Booze
- Drugs
- Gambling
- Professional wrestlers benchpressing guys against the ceiling and dropping them
- 6 girls rejecting the chance to earn £20 by making out with one of the guys on the team
- Bread fighting
- Running after cars of girls down the main road
- Rugby tackling each other into rubbish bins
- Trolley racing around camp
- Stealing patio furniture from around the camp
- Watches being stolen from off someone's wrist
- Taking a girl back to a room, texting another boy to hide under the bed and scare the shit out of her when she got back from the bathroom
- Bursting in on two people cavorting to throw ketchup packets, one hitting the random girl square on the forehead
- Playing 2 official matches when drunk
- Walking to Tesco to find they have no cafe
- Taking 15 minutes to drive the 2 minutes to the pitch
- Tipping anyone who went to bed before 3am out
- Deciding the best way to gain the attention of the girl opposite was to walk out butt naked for introductions
- Kegging
- Injuring a knee whilst playing football Sunday morning but deciding to 'run it off' for the next hour and spending Monday morning in the hospital (see below)

No, it's not broken but I have to be a cripple for 2 weeks and be waited on whilst I watch TV. Ooh, the cricket's on!

Je Suis Un Plonker

2006-05-11T16:06:00.000Z

More gloating I'm afraid. The England World Cup squad was named this week, which included Sol Campbell. What does my blog have to do with Sol Campbell? Well, he has been an established international defender for about 10 years now but had a poor season which led my idiot of a brother to claim he won't get into the squad. Immediately, I, the experienced (although not successful) gambler bet one pound sterling he would be. And won, get it.

However, that's where I got a bit carried away. Trying to emulate Whisky Dan, who displays the money he wins off co-worker Chuck, I tried to create a similar, witty notice upon which I could present my brother's loss as publicly as possible.

And you may agree, my sign does look good up on my wall next to my favourite pictures from Australia.

However, if you look closely, there is one slight mishap which kinda ruined my little ego trip. Yes, unknown to me until Gareth pointed it out, I mis-spelt "Genius." Bollocks. Way to urinate on my source of heat.

See. Damn it. Oh well, I'm not hiding, the sign stays up. But who can I blame for this? The UK education system? Better not....My parents, nah, can't think of any reason. I'm going to blame Bill Gates. Its obvious he is to blame for my poor spelling, and on two counts at that. First, as I was using capital letters, Microsoft Word's spellcheck isn't activated. And secondly, more importantly, the autocorrect option I spent ages customising on my computer corrects everything I type usually so I can simply mash the keyboard as quickly as I can when typing and it still makes (relative) sense. So point the finger at Senor Gates. As compensation for being made to look a fool, how about some of that 95% of your fortune you said you'd give away before you die? Eh? Yeah, I'm a good cause!

OK, off to Minehaed for football tour tomorrow. Back Monday and I'm sure there'll be some sordid and messy stories to spill, well the ones I wasn't involved in!

And following my theme of mentioning Lois in all my posts at the moment, happy birthday for today!!

Blowing My Trumpet

2006-05-07T20:55:00.000Z

One thing I don't like about other people is arrogance. It really does bug me and I find those who tend to show off tend to be those who aren't actually that great at whatever it is, you should see some of the dickheads I play football against. Honestly, I played against a team on Saturday who got promoted to the South Wales Amateur League and therefore love themselves but they'll be back next year after getting their big heads kicked all over the place.

However, now I'm going to show off just a little bit. My team had our presentations on Saturday and I won Manager's Player of the Year after coming 2nd for Player's Player of the Year. Not the most exciting or earth-shattering news you'll ever here but I was chuffed to bits, surprised but very proud. Still am and keep looking at my trophy, it's pretty cool. I am my own biggest critic and thought I should have done a lot better this season but realistically, didn't play too badly. Oh and Laura said in her blog, she finds my blogs funny, at last someone does! But maybe she was drunk when she wrote that.

Finally a big thank you to Dan and Igor for hosting my birthday party last night. I must apologise for being the first person in history to miss their own birthday party cos they didn't know about it and only checked their blog 24 hours too late. Sorry guys but the thought was very much appreciated. Instead, I was at my presentation and escaped just as half the team thought it would be fun to jump in the hot tub in their underwear. I think that was the worst hot tubbing ever, no girls and no bathers. Good thing I left, me and some of the other boys went out to the bar where I spent about 2 hours trying to hide from some girl I'd met a couple of weeks ago, I really am a berk. I swear its becuase of guys like me, bloke-hating lesbians exist.

So now after my one moment of glory, I will retreat back to reality. See ya!

PS. It's not my fault Lois can't get the picture to work on her blog. I told her what to do, it's her fault for being dumb.

Fo Shizzle

2006-05-05T22:05:00.000Z

This last 24 hours has taught me quite a lot.

The 20th anniversary of the awful Chernobyl disaster was this week. To uncover some of the fallout, a documentary was shown on TV, called Igor - The Truth Behind Chernobyl. (or something like that) But the name Igor was the focal point, could explain a few things?

Also, Tuesday is apparently National Orgasm Day, originating from Brazil. Will also be my birthday but I'm not sure what the hidden message is there. Any suggestions?

Talking of hidden messages, this is my 51st blog making my previous one the 50th. So what? Yeah I know, but I was quite proud I managed to keep it going that long (no jokes burman), small things & small minds eh.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

2006-05-03T13:46:00.000Z

One of the biggest stories over here at the moment is that our beloved Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott has admitted a two year affair with his secretary. Whatever, none of my business and to be honest, I don't really care too much. However, what puzzles me is what the woman saw in him to desire such an affair. This is a photo of Prescott who I believe is 65 years of age and suffers from endless remarks about his weight.

And everyone is puzzled as to what his secretary got out of the affair, especially if you believe the jibes about fat blokes. Well, she has sold her story to the press but surely didn't have that in mind the whole time?

So here's another puzzler. What about Sven Goran Erikson, the England football coach? He has a long-term girlfriend but in the past couple of years it has been discovered he has had not one, but two affairs with other women. Yet, his girlfriend has stuck by him. This photo again asks, what for?

Oh, and why did Coleen (can't spell her surname) McThingy stick with Wayne Rooney for after he was busted visiting a brothel? Hmm.....would she and Sven's missus have stayed if they were married and would have to divorce? Oooh that's sinical.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, for I am no expert whatsoever on women (so therefore know bollocks about what they go for) as my track record would suggest, but would the best thing for me to do is get some money and/or power? Then I could get away with seemingly anything and still have someone to make my tea....I'll go see if there's anything going on Ebay right now.

PS. A free muffin to anyone who can guess the hidden agenda behind the title of this blog, cos I don't think you will.

Ditched

2006-04-29T21:04:00.000Z

I'm depressed, I'm being ditched. Lois, who is my best mate, who I love her to bits is leaving Monday to spend a year working in New York. According to her mum, we're getting married but I'm not sure when yet. Probably in about 20 years if I've grown up enough then.

Which is so cool and she has a great job that's going to fly her all over America when she's not in her office overlooking the Chrysler Building in Manhattan. I am really so happy for her and was so excited when she got the job, I stopped thinking about myself for the first time ever. However, I've only just realised that means I don't get to see her for a while, so I need to move to Nova Scotia quick so I can have some weekend trips down to the Big Apple.

If you haven't met Lois, you should check out her blog that she's gonna use to keep us posted on life in the states. However, be warned, she is rubbish at computers and not very funny or entertaining so I have very low expectations for this site. However, I have now done my duty of advertising it.

Anyway, you may have met Lois when she came with the Trott to visit me in Canada last year. Here they are next to one of the Cole Hobson signs.

And buying underwear in Dublin.

And this one is special because its about the only one of me and Lois I have on my computer that doesn't involve us playing strip poker - seriously.

Well all I wanted to get across is that a big part of my life is deserting us to go and live with the stupidest, loudest people in the world. I guess you'll fit in fine then twat-head! No, I'm going to stop calling Lois twat-head, and loser and telling her she's still living in the 1950s. Well, I'll try. I'll try to be nice from now on, you make a fantastic bacon butty tea, you make me look tall, you let me beat the crap out of you when we do boxing at fitness and......uhm, maybe that's it.

Have a great trip Lois, I'll see you soon!!!

Cash in Hand

2006-04-26T14:33:00.000Z

I must send my congratulations to Whisky Dan for his recent bouts of good news. First, it is great to hear that he and Laura are getting their own Vlog site together. Aww, that is such a huge step in a relationship and shows unbelievable signs of commitment that I'm sure I could never display.

And secondly, I hear Dan has been asked to give his services as official photographer for two weddings. Well, I can assure the happy couples that Dan is a complete geek when it comes to photography, no-one can compete with his levels of nerdishness for cameras. But it is a great little thing to have on the side, I seriously would love to have someone pay me to do something I really enjoy doing like he does. And it means he will not have any excuses to go out for a few beers once I get back to Nova Scotia.

Anyway, as a kind of inspiration or gauntlet (depends if you followed my advice on being pessimistic), here are some photos I received this past week. They are the official snaps from Doctah's and Jane's wedding down under.

In total, I was sent 393 photos from the day, and they are amazing despite most of them being staged. I must apologise to the Bigelows for personally not looking or not smiling in most of the photos I was in. The reason was that the photographer was snapping a hundred photos a second and most people decided to try and look as beautiful as possible in every one. However, me, being a celebrity, decided to do what I always do walking down the high street and ignored the cameras as much as possible, assuming the ones I did bother with would look alright. I think my ploy worked and there were some nice ones. But seriously, how incredible do these shots look? It just reminds me of what an unbelievably perfect day their wedding was and makes me all nostalgic, wanting to go back again.

This is my favourite, it's like a model shot but they are a cute couple.

I sense another TV show cross-over

2006-04-24T14:31:00.000Z

Well I haven't been in touch for a little bit. The reason being I was busy busting Dublin up. Once I remember what happened in the last week and get some photos, I will reveal more details. It was fun though, I think.

Anyway, last night was a historic episode of the Simpsons here. However, I was not looking forward to it. The reason being Ricky Gervais, the joint-creator of The Office had written the episode, resulting in an explosion of advertising all over the TV this week. This is Ricky Gervais as David Brent in The Office.

Now I love The Office, love it. It's incredibly original and the humour very satirical and suttle. Brilliant. However, I am not a huge fan of Ricky Gervais as he comes across as actually being David Brent in every interview he does. And I have one of his stand-up DVDs, which I have seen once and doubt if I ever see it again, something about swearing and animals so is not funny.

And again, in the Simpsons, he appeared, as this one character. If I wanted to see a TV show starring David Brent I would watch The Office, not the Simpsons. And the script was shit. And I only laughed once, but I can't remember at what. This worries me that the Simpsons Movie may be a huge let down next year, although no doubt no-one else will be wary, only get hysterical as we saw this week. Seriously people, calm down.

This kind of excitement before the event is something I have noticed in Americans and I hope it's not spreading. Watch a chat show or something with a guest celebrity on an American channel. A hell of a lot of the time the audience spends the first five minutes whooping, cheering and giving a standing ovation to the guest. Then they given their performance on said TV show. The worst is Inside the Actors Studio at some NY University, they do it every time. It's almost as if they have won the audience just by turning up. I realise they must have done something special to be invited onto such shows but they are asked on to do something, not to be applauded for what they have done before.

However, what is usually the case here is the guest (and also stand-up comedians/musicians when performing live) gets a relatively brief round of applause, then they have to impress. Only if they impress the audience afterwards do they get a standing ovation, and only then. And not always. And I much prefer that, stars being appreciated when they perform, not before, or their egos may get carried away or they become complacent. I enjoy much more when someone is firstly challenged and then secondly rises above the challenge, its much more rewarding.

And that is why I hope people don't get carried away by this new Simpsons Movie, like they did for the Ricky Gervais episode. Isn't it much better to be sceptical and proved spectacularly wrong than to simply have your expectations met? Just wait and see, before you judge this thing. Be pessimistic, try it. Maybe you'll appreciate the pleasant surprises in life more and experience fewer let-downs. Or maybe that's just me.

Sorry for going on and on, rant over.

Immortality

2006-04-14T11:15:00.000Z

Now, have a pen and paper ready to write this lot down. I have been shown the ultimate, perfect, most successful pulling technique. You, like me, could become irresistable to women, well apart from Dan perhaps.

In fact, all you need is a pen and paper, but also relatively good looks and the ability to dance. Here's what you do:

Take one sticky heart-shaped pink post-it note. (see below)

Take one ball point pen or biro. (see below)

Now, write an amusing and not too pushy message using said pen onto said post-it note. Previous examples include "you're pretty," "I like your bracelet" and "my friend in the blue top likes you."

Take said message and stick it onto the ARM, that's ARM of the target, I mean girl and walk away but not too far. Either her or her friends will read the note, laugh and put it onto her breast (every girl, every time). You have now broken the ice, can ask for a dance or smile or whatever, but most likely SHE will come over to YOU to talk about the imaginitive and original move you have just made. And that's where you turn on the charm. Unfortunately Dub, I can't teach you this next bit, you're on your own son.

And that's the trick. My friends and I had a 3 out of 3 success rate last night in Cardiff. I say success, I mean the girls came over to chat but we weren't interested, they were just showing me this new technique they worked on holiday, for a laugh. Don't get me wrong, I thought girls wouldn't like it as it seems too rehearsed (and don't do it to more than one girl in the same group!) but if you're not too serious or slimy, it's effective.

Now, you have probably until the rest of the day before I have bought all the pink heart-shaped post-it notes Staples has, act quickly.

PS. there's a drink for the first person to go out with Cole and put a note on a guy saying Cole likes him! Good hunting!

Welcome to the Jungle

2006-04-10T11:48:00.000Z

Mum & Dad are in Prague this week, Bethan's in Birmingham, party at mine, come on over whenever. We can also play some playstation as Ga has finally bought a new tv so you can actually see what's going on now. Unfortunately, it now means I am invincible on Pro Evo, but it does mean we can watch the world cup on HD this summer, woo hoo! Just make sure you come over before next week as then I'll be away. Dublin baby!!

Australia Sucks

2006-04-04T20:55:00.000Z

Here's a tip - never go to Australia, what a bunch of fussy, whiny, mean little people live there. They pick up on every tiny, little, insignificant thing, which is pathetic really.

Here are some examples:

- Richard having the nerve to beat me at snooker.
- Aussie girls (Olivia, Jane) don't argue when I offer to pay for their meals out.
- Some idiot on a plane not switching his phone off so we had to go back to the - terminal for him to be booted off.
- All those kids down the beach with their six packs putting me and Nate to shame.
- Sydney casino taking all my money and giving it to Cassie.
- Sydney golf course hiding all my golf balls from me.
- The sand being too hot to walk on.
- Beer is too expensive.

I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of any now. Oh and here's another tip, never listen to any of Doctah J's brilliant ideas. "Hire a car" he says. "It'll be fun, we can go on road trips" he says. Yeah, whatever.

I had a letter this morning. From Brisbane. Brisbane? I don't know anyone from Brisbane. Looks kind of official? I don't do anything official. (just ask my friends at the tax office where I'm in trouble again!!)

Apparently, you're not allowed to drive hire cars at 79 in a 60 zone in Charters Towers. Well no-one told me!!!! Bang, there goes $150 and 3 points on my license. I blame Doctah. However, they did say I could request a court hearing if I want. Yeah, if they'll pay for the flight I say! One of the boys at soccer tonight said could I request a court hearing but say I'm a poor student and can't afford the flight. Maybe they'll drop it or pay for the flight that way?!? Tempting, but no, I can't mess around with the courts. I don't want to get banned from Australia, it's alright really!

Well that was a shock, I tell you. Really, it was 3 months ago, get over it. What really happened I'm sure, is that the speed drops when you leave the highway from 120 to 100 to 80 to 60 and I didn't know it had dropped from 80 to 60 - beware the speed limit on roads you don't know!! After all, I passed my test 6 years ago and honestly stick to the limits here like glue and have therefore never been busted. Yeah, it takes me 2 days in Australia though!

But I don't feel guilty cos I didn't do it deliberately, I'm sure. Shit happens, I'll just learn from it. However, if you would like to help me out with the $150, it would be greatly appreciated. Send $1 to 'Happy Dude' at 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. And I've had a good last few days, anyway.

Sunday, I went with my brother to see a British comedian called Paddy McGuiness in Cardiff. He was brilliant, loved it, great night out. And Monday, I saw the new Sarah Jessica Parker (don't ask) movie. Which was better than I thought it was. But in one seen this guy is sitting with his mate, feet up, by a boat drinking the same cans of Bud I do in Canada. We don't get those cans here and it made me excited for when we get to chill, have a cold one or two and put the world to right come autumn, Dan. I think we owe each other some of that. And then I was listening to Andy Williams' Can't Take My Eyes off You, which is the song Igor and I do a brilliant rendition of. How bout we all go for a beer, put our feet up and have a sing-along. I'm excited for Canada again. MJ, will you wait on us in a bikini?

Ok gang, don't forget those cheques, talk to you soon!!

The Marketing Tidal Wave

2006-03-29T14:14:00.000Z

Yeah, so I'm studying a Masters in Marketing and spend almost every hour of the week trying to work out how to extract as much money from as many people as possible, even if they don't need to. I know it's not the most noble way to go in life and it makes me seem shallow when I meet people studying more helpful courses such as Nursing or Teaching but I'm just trying to look after number one - me!

Anyway, I know how much marketing and advertising appear in society today. Well, I thought I knew but didn't realise how excessive it can be until it affected me the other day. I'm warming up for soccer, strectching, and at one point all I was looking at were my goalie gloves and football boots. Now, I have played soccer since I was a wee kid and have experimented with many companies' products. After trial and error, I prefer to wear Nike boots and gloves. Honestly, I find them most comfortable and effective at what they're supposed to do and yes, they do display a fancy logo, I can't deny that.

Look, here are the boots and gloves I wear:

And then it struck me, there are a hell of a lot of "Swooshes" I'm advertising here and counted them. How many Nike Swooshes would you expect to be on one pair of boots and one pair of gloves? Think about it.....eighteen? Yeah, eighteen! That really blew me away, eighteen - just in case you missed the first seventeen. It's a funny world, it really is.

In other news, following my blog on movie sequels, it appears George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon were reading. Guys, if you are, say hi! Because it turns out they have decided to sign up for Ocean's 13! Now I love Ocean's 11, it's one of my favourite movies because just like the Bond films, I watch it and want to be like those guys on screen, they're so cool. So obviously, I was excited for Ocean's 12, more excited than any other movie I've ever seen, apart maybe from the 3rd Austin Powers. I was so excited I paid for Cole to come and see it with me and Doctah for his birthday, my addrenalin was making me forget the value of money. Seriously, why would I want to go with Cole? Anyway, I was let down. It was not a patch on the first one, what a dissapointment.

So Ocean's 13, I am only allowing you to continue with this project as it is an opportunity for you to redeem yourselves and make up for Ocean's 12....you have been warned!

Gonna Fly Now

2006-03-24T11:28:00.000Z

So I spent a hell of a lot of time yesterday playing Rocky. It's so good, loved it from the moment Dan got it on his Xbox, way-hay back in the day. Finally my brother found it available on PS2 and I have a new career mode going as Mr T, I mean Clubber Lang. Honestly, it's so good, when I wasn't playing and was actually doing work, I was still doing my awesome Mr T impressions all day long.

This kinda links into an interesting story in the paper this week, listing movie sequels that were better than the original. Now I know nearly every single person on the internet lists their own opinions on this and fair enough, whatever they think. But I think that for a respected journalist to publicly state Kill Bill 2 (which I love) is better than Kill Bill 1 (which I love even more), is pushing the boat out a little too far. However, I do agree that both Shrek 2 and Toy Story 2 are better than their originals. Did you know Tom Hanks got paid $50,000 for Toy Story 1 and $5,000,000 for Toy Story 2? Yeah, really. And I'm kinda glad they're quitting whilst they're ahead, after reading plans for Toy Story 3 have been scrapped, unlike Rocky, with the 6th movie seemingly going ahead.

And after pretending to be Clubber Lang and watching Rocky III this week, he's the best opponent of the lot. That's the only thing missing from the other films, no Mr T. He's so cool, I think I'm gonna watch the A Team tonight. Bit more nostalgia, honestly I never watch any new TV programmes.

On the subject of sequels, if you've never heard Guns N Roses' cover of Live and Let Die, download it, it's one of the best cover songs ever.

And MJ, you were the worst, most unfunny, sluttiest roommate ever. Shame on you.

What's a Commonwealth?

2006-03-22T11:25:00.000Z

Despite possessing an A Level in the subject, it appears I know nothing about geography. My history isn't very good either but I already knew that. This week I have learnt that apparently countries including South Africa, Pakistan and Jamaica are part of the Commonwealth. Honestly, I had no idea and there are several others as well. My knowledge of British history certainly is limited in some areas.

However, I am going to blame the media and the royals. One of those two is usually to blame for everything and this case is no exception. Firstly it is the royal family's fault for former British colonies to find them unnecessary so they play their 'get out of jail free' card as soon as possible, dissapearing into oblivion. Secondly, because the so called 'British' media is so unbelievably Englishly biased, I have hardly watched any of the Commonwealth Games. Therefore, I have missed potential international lessons as I have decided I would prefer not to learn about some English person nearly getting into a final or nearly getting onto the podium, with barely a reference to that little principality next door. Maybe I should say well done to David Davies and every other Welsh competitor, as they may not get another mention until late tonight on BBC Wales. Rant over.

However, without wanting to lay into TV too much (let's never fight again), I must applaud UKTV Gold for its current campaign of trying to establish who is Britain's greatest comedy superhero? This means that when I finally finish work, I can spend an hour or two each night before I go to bed, with this fine selection of entertainers. Late night TV may be my favourite part of the day now, apart from sleep of course, that's where I'm a Viking.

You know, when I was working at Joe's I met a regular couple who emmigrated from Britain in the 70s. They'd been in Canada so long they'd never heard of Only Fools and Horses or Fawlty Towers and I felt so sorry for them. What a loss.

Links

2006-03-16T13:19:00.000Z

I often flick through the website kontraband.com for my amusement. Here are the links to two videos I find particularly amusing, their titles say it all really.

Kill Bill with Super Mario sound effects

The real-life Simpsons opening credits
(actually nicked from youtube.com cos I lost it on Kontraband)

Enjoyo Boyos!

Shearer, Shearer, what's the score?

2006-03-13T20:52:00.000Z

Hey Hey

Great weekend was had by all. Had a trip with the fam up to see little sister Bethan in uni in Manchester. Well, that's the official line. Really we went to see Manchester United vs Newcastle. Obviously I was so up for this trip as with being in Canada and taking my soccer seriously now so Saturdays are taken up, I hadn't gone up for 4 years! Unbelievable, and I call myself a supporter. But it was a great day and here are some photos from the stadium.

And after the match, I took part in my ritual of waiting in the freezing cold (never live in Manchester, it's soooooo cold) to gawp at the player's fancy cars and nick an autograph or two. Despite other people having the same idea, I did manage to pinch a couple including Christiano Ronaldo so I was well chuffed.

And as I hadn't been to Manchester for a couple of years, we decided to take a tour of the stadium and museum for some extra pics. I thought this an opportune moment to publicise to the English what the whole world is starting to hear about, the activities of Cole Hobson. However, I do think Carolyn should have warned the Dominican and her picture with Teri is missing some sort of sign.

Sorry for the photo overload but I can be a bit of a camera freak. Just ask my buddy Niall, who I'm going back to visit in DUBLIN for Easter, the next thing for me to look forward to. Also, going to Manchester did mean I missed the greatest one-day cricket match ever with South Africa beating Australia. I love cricket, Doctah J is wrong, it isn't pointless and I need to get back under to watch another one with the boys. Before I finish, thank you Igor for mentioning the fact Wales failed to beat Italy in the rugby on Saturday, I hadn't forgotten. But I did realise, even though I love watching United and soccer is my sport that I play, it doesn't beat watching rugby live, that's a game and a half.

Oscars

2006-03-08T15:29:00.000Z

I'm useless at films. I haven't watched the Oscars for years as all the nominations go to films I never watch. However, I did see a little of the highlights last night, and spent the entire 20 minutes asking my brother who all the presenters were and what other films I may have seen the winners in - he didn't know much more. And stupid British TV, they never showed any of John Stewart which would have been interesting, apparently I needed to watch the live show.

What I will say is I'm glad George Clooney won as I've always thought he's a really cool guy and good actor. Haven't watched any of his recent films as they sound a bit too artistic and serious for my liking, but well done anyway.

Happy St. David's Day

2006-03-01T15:13:00.000Z

As I'm sure you are well aware, March 1st is St. David's Day here in Wales, the day of our patron saint. I also heard on the radio this morning that today is supposed to be the first day of spring, but for the 2nd time in a couple of months, it has been snowing here! What's that about? Weird. To mark St. David's Day, Prince Charles is visiting my Dad today, as he usually does. Not really, he's actually visiting the university Dad works at as he's Chancellor or something and Dad is going to meet him. Which is more than he usually does in a days work. (both of them!)

In another show of patrionism, 2006 sees the 150th anniversary of our national anthem being composed. In times of turmoil (the rugby team is so screwed up, I can't describe it as events have been changing every day), one experiences great satisfaction from this song and I watched an extremely moving tv programme around its importance today before sports games, it always makes me feel proud of my nationality.

So have a happy and healthy St. David's Day and congratulations and thanks to Evan James and his son James James (no, really) on the anniversary of their most famous work.

Current Affairs

2006-02-21T22:00:00.000Z

Sunday - brother Gareth's birthday. Went with the family to the Hilton in Cardiff as a surprise to use the gym, the pool, the sauna (it was like a sauna in there!) and good old birthday meal. Really plush in there, very me, excellent facilities and I particularly liked the coloured lighting and music played in the swimming pool/spa area. I could get used to that kind of life, it was similar to when Dan, Nate and I had our own private spa and sauna in Cronulla. I could have gotten used to that as well. One day, maybe.

So, speaking of the Hilton, it was my first time inside one, boom boom. Now, despite the legacy, it is Paris Hilton, as everyone knows, who is the most talked about member of that family. I know Doctah J thinks she's smoking hot and is a big fan, but I'm yet to be convinced. She was recently introduced at the Brit Awards Ceremony as "You've heard of the X Factor, but here is the Why Factor." When I was in Australia, I read in the paper how Paris Hilton was to do a tour of said country (not sure what she was doing) and her PA had phoned up several restaurants asking if they would like to pay $100,000 for Paris Hilton to dine at their restaurant!

It does amaze me how wrapped up in celebrity today's society can be for someone, who as far as I know is only famous for being stupid and making home videos, would seem to have the arrogance to make such demands. However, then you have to realise, she can make those demands because she is used to that sort of life, being paid thousands to eat out, go to a bar, whatever. Tis a strange world we live in.

In other news, Britain is apparently opening up its national archives to disclose gay/lesbian historical information that was never made public because of its nature. Fair enough I say. Here is an example of one poster never released and it makes me think that other European countries may have had similar propaganda in their past. It would explain why Igor fled his home country.

Olympic Dreams

2006-02-17T14:18:00.000Z

Now I could never pretend to harbour dreams to become a professional snowboarder, having only participated on a handful of occasions. In fact, I'm not even in Dub and MJ's league and that's pretty bad. However, having seen the new craze of Snowboard Cross, I wanna go! That sport looks really cool and it makes me want to escape the wind and rain here in Wales and head to the slopes. The fact you can jump and race at the same time looks to have quite an adrenalin rush. I need to do some more snowboarding when I get back to Canada.

Dub & MJ 1 - Matty 1?

2006-02-12T22:20:00.000Z

I had the good fortune and fantastic pleasure of attending the Wales v Scotland 6 Nations Rugby this afternoon. One of the best things about Cardiff's fancy Millenium Stadium is that it is right in the middle of the city and I will never ever get tired of walking round Cardiff on a match day, with all the pump and excitement rugby brings to my country. And today, despite the cold and the wind, it also brought thousands of Scottish men wearing their national dress - skirts.

Brilliant game, wonderful atmosphere. I had goose bumps right from the beginning, when they brought out the choir and the opera singers to sing the anthem. I have been lucky enough to see Wales many times (never before as grand slam champions tho!) but still find it an overwhelming experience each time. And they played really well, great performance by every player, winning 28-18.

However, the most important part of this afternoon was that I contributed to our international mission to spread the word about Cole Hobson. Following the lead of dear MJ, I have tried to warn people of said Cole. Here are my attempts:

You have been warned!

PS. Dan, I missed the 3rd try as I was reading a text off you! Thanks Bud!

Dim Balls O Gwbl

2006-02-10T22:34:00.000Z

Translates to 'No balls at all.' In the news this week, it appears that Jordan, seen here below is to have her breasts reduced after several operations to increase them over the years.

Apparently when she has her silicon implants removed, they will be auctioned on ebay. Ok, but the interesting thing is one bookies has offered odds of 5-1 that they will go for over £10,000. But why have I called referred to someone not having any balls in this post?

Well it refers to me not having the guts to invest in such a bet. Occasionally I have a gut instinct to go for some bets at the bookies but always pull out as I don't like gambling on things out of my hands. But perhaps this isn't such a situation.

If I went down the bookies and placed £10,000 on Jordan's implants, I would win £50,000 plus my original stake if they went for over 10k right? Right. So, what is stopping me doing this and then bidding ten grand on ebay for said implants to ensure they go for that amount and guarantee I win my little bet. Of course, I could also go down the bank, explain the situation to the manager and borrow a million to bet with.

This one has been bugging me for a couple of days. See it just seems like such an easy way to win some big cash but this is the real world so I'm not gonna risk that kind of money on something where there's bound to be a catch. It's kinda frustrating cos you see this kind of thing happening all the time in Hollywood. And then me and Dan could afford that Hooters franchise sooner rather than later!

Apology

2006-02-06T10:50:00.000Z

I would like to sincerely offer my apologies to one of my closest friends, Whisky Dan O'Rourke, seen here getting his lovely girlfriend, Laura, to do the chores.

Yesterday was Daniel's 26th birthday, that's right 26! Wow, he's old and it seems the gap has widened! However, rather than attend what I'm sure was a great evening that coincided with Superbowl, (the one Seattle threw away by not scoring enough when they had the ball first half), I decided to give it a miss and actually spent my Sunday gardening and watching soccer.

Now, I have two reasons for not seeing my buddy on his special day. One being I couldn't be bothered to fly over but second, and most importantly, I wouldn't want to show Dan up on his birthday again. This time last year, we threw Dan a surprise party with a surprise century challenge before we headed off to the bar. This resulted in Greg Smith and myself completing said challenge despite using large shot glasses, and Dan, humiliated and defeated after his useless attempt to complete the task.

So I must ask for forgiveness for this shameful episode last year where Greg and I left Dan looking like a pathetic failure, which we all know he is not (pfft). Therefore, I would like to offer this coupon (coupon will not be validated) as a peace offering, upon which I will buy you a beer on your 27th (and not before). I hope the tragic events of 2005 will be erased by my absence in 2006.

Cheers Dan!

Outrage

2006-02-04T22:05:00.000Z

Really nice day today in the main.

Woke up, it's my Dad's birthday, so spent the morning with cards and presents and the like. He was happy, got things he could use although my gift is still stuck in the post.

Went off to soccer, in a jovial mood. Since I got back from Oz, we have lost 4 straight games which is absolutely unprecedented for this team and a complete joke as we should have won at least three of them. Whatever, things can only get better we thought, we figured we were playing a cup game against good opposition but with a new kit so were kinda optimistic. Stuffed 'em 4-1. Wicked, everyone played really well.

Ran off the pitch, out of the shower quicker than Igor when there's an audience, and straight past the pub, home to watch the rugby. Wales lost to England. Typical, but there's hope, England have a very good side and Wales were missing many key players. Shit happens but we'll come back again.

Picked up Chinese takeaway for a surprise for Dad. Awesome meal, had never heard of this restaurant but its quality. However, did have time to recall the last time I had crispy beef. That was in Revesby, when I took the lovely Mrs Jane Bigelow out for a meal. Does Doctah know about that? Mum then decided to pay for the pay-per-view soccer game, Man Utd won, day back to good again.

Offered to take Dad out for a game of snooker. I've been playing pretty well since I got back from Down Under and am in training. I have a score to settle on the snooker table with Richard so that is the single most important reason I go back there, even ahead of seeing the Doctahs.

Strangely, Dad says no. He says he'd rather an evening in where me and my brother teach Mum and Dad how to play poker. I thought that was cool, apparently he and Mum wanted to find out what the fuss was about this game we play and watch on tele. So we played, they picked it up so well despite knowing bugger all about poker beforehand and are now far more accomplished players than people like The Trott, Niall, Cat and Twathead (my new name for Lois, I think it suits her). It really was good, Mum kept folding cos she knew 9-5 off-suit isn't good and Dad started betting pre-flop on Pocket Aces, I seriously was proud. And then Dad got Pocket Rockets again, twice in a night! Well, I guess it is his birthday.

Eventually Mum and Dad are knocked out and Me and Ga decide there's no point carrying on when we're only playing for fun and I had a good lead. But then, then comes the absolute mockery of fair play, standards, etiquette which I must confess was an absolute master stroke.

After only 2 or 3 hands, Dad had worked out the game. On his next deal he then decided to remove the aces from the pack and stow them under the table until he had hands he didn't fancy. And it worked a trick, no-one noticed, he cleaned up a couple of times and no-one had a clue. Awesome, we wouldn't have known till he decided he was so proud he should tell us. And even considering all the sport I saw today, I thought that was the best move of the lot. Apparently there's still life left in the old dog yet! Happy Birthday Dad!

A lesson in International Culture

2006-01-30T20:01:00.000Z

This Saturday, my team Manchester United handed a debut to its new Serbian player, Nemanja Vidic. Realising that it is now my duty to worship Senor Vidic, I need to know more about him and embarked on a research exercise into his homeland, Serbia and Montenegro. Here are some of the facts I have discovered about this nirvana:

• To save time, I am now going to refer to Serbia and Montenegro as S&M
• S&M-ers fear gerbils when hiking through the woods in North America
• S&M-ites have little grasp of English, but are still qualified to teach the Queen’s language in Asia
• Male S&M-oids will not throw Canadian guys out of the shower if they choose to join them. They will however, use a transparent mouldy shower curtain as a robe if necessary
• S&M are not great at soccer. Guys have been known to be left rolling on the floor in agony after being tackled by girls
• Despite many years of war and looting in the homeland, S&M-icks do not leave their front doors protected and as such, they are susceptible to fall off
• S&M basketball players have never received great press and are therefore likely to frame any old criticism, they are just excited to have been mentioned
• S&M-igonians often have allergic reactions outside Europe resulting in the growth of some bum-fluff underneath their chin but nowhere else on their face
• The remainder of the 21st century will see S&M take over the world using robots engineered at Dalhousie University
• Igor is Gay

Does anyone know anything else about Serbia?

Don't Look MJ - There are Koalas Here

2006-01-25T15:28:00.000Z

So I'm finally getting round to posting some more Australian photos. I'm just lazy, which is why I'm doing it slowly. But here are some of my favourites from Taronga Zoo in Sydney (with the best view ever) and Australia Zoo in Brisbane, which is the one owned by Steve Irwin off-of tele.

I love this one as it shows how the Savanna outback cannot be taken legitimately with one of the most famous sights of Western civilisation right behind it.

And here are a couple from when we visited the Sydney Aquarium.

This is another of my favourites as it shows the fascination mankind (sometimes) has with nature. Although I must admit, it is a Whisky Dan shot.

PS. Haven't reported on anything new from Wales because nothing new has happened here yet. Have had a couple of games of football, lost so won't mention them, a couple of good nights out in Cardiff but difficult to describe. Oh and I went to a Wedding Fayre with Catrin - we're getting married on September 30th at the Gatehouse in Cardiff Bay! That would be exciting if our little charade wasn't a research exercise. And my Masters is still cool but I wanna finish it quick to get out into the real world (Canada) and earn some cash. TTYL

Regrets

2006-01-20T14:13:00.000Z

I tell you two things that have really pissed me off for not doing in Australia and I think I need to go back to do them.

1. Watch the water flow the other way in the toilet. After all, that is the one reason the Simpsons went there.

2. Have a photo taken by the Harbour Bridge or some landmark holding a sign saying "Cole Hobson takes it up the Ass." I think we should all start doing this, coming up with new and funky places to have our photos taken with such a sign. Anyone fancy a challenge?

Australia 2 (3 really, 1st time crashed - internet is a pain)

2006-01-13T20:14:00.000Z

Note to Adam - I'll try to post the photos right this time, but I'm useless at computers. Problem is I'm too busy with other things to learn. However, I'm not as bad as Lois, who even screws up posting comments just like she screws up our circuit training EVERY WEEK! What a twat she is.

OK, so what else happened down under? Unfortunately myself, Dan, Nate and the good Doctah were unable to use the beachside apartment we'd reserved at Cronulla, just outside Sydney. Instead they made us, MADE US, take the penthouse suite for the five nights we were there. So what could we do? Hold numerous piss-ups and poker games, call the escort agency who were advertised in our room and tell every girl we met we were staying in the penthouse? Maybe...

The first thing that needed to be done was to name our FOUR balconies. So we called them after the four bridesmaids, because they were all beautiful and charming, although some had more 'size up front.'

The view from Lisa

From Leanne

From Rachele

And from Amanda

I learnt in Australia that Jeffrey cannot swim. So why the hell did he move to Australia? Oh yeah, I forgot about her. But it did mean he couldn't join us for bodyboarding.

And because the Doctah is a proper man, he couldn't join Richard either, for one of his 'Smirnoff Ice Girly Drinks' parties.

Cronulla also provided us with an excellent base to visit the city. When I first saw the Opera House, I had to go up and actually touch it to realise that I was there and not dreaming.

Yeah, it really is that good. I am so lucky.

Happy New Year

2006-01-09T13:52:00.000Z

Wow, it's been a while but with good reason. I have just returned from the land down under and with so many shenanigans and mindblowing experiences, I figure it will take more than one blog. So instead of writing one tedious script, I will break my holiday down into several tedious scripts.

Although I have now been back in Wales for five days, I'm still struggling to realise where I am and what has happened. My mind is definately still in Australia and I'm almost in a state of shock as everything happened so quickly and I'm back where I started asking did that all really happen? I am also so completely blown away by the many places I visited but even more so by the incredible people I was lucky to meet. Every single person I came across went out of their way to make my visit as enjoyable as possible and I don't think I will ever be able to make it up to them. I owe so much to so many and you all know who you are so there is no need for me to make a list.

Ok, I'll start with the reason I went to Australia. The wedding that saw Doctah J taken away from us into a life of being told what to do. No matter how many koalas I met or VBs that were sunk, Jane and Jeffrey's wedding was by far and away the best day of the holiday and one of the most emotional days ever. Not only were two of my best friends showing off how completely in love and perfect for each other they are, they did it with one of the most beautiful, fairytale weddings that was beyond imagination.

The ceremony was conducted in the picturesque Camelia Gardens, a perfect setting and lovely service.

I have to admit to having a massive lump in my throat when the girls arrived, just how beautiful are these bridesmaids?

Yeah, they definately showed up those groomsmen who I don't think anybody noticed!

But the most important part of the day was that the happy couple were able to drive off into the sunset together, two of the most deserving people I know.

To obtain a special dialling wand, please mash the key pad now

2005-12-09T14:04:00.000Z

Your fingers are too fat. That's what Homer Simpson was once told when using the phone. Sounds harsh to me, he seems such a happy fella.

But if you follow this link, it would appear that typing errors are now called 'fat finger syndrome,' a strange name in today's PC world. So this means that the reason a Japanese company lost £128 million yesterday was because the administrator's digits were on the chubby side.

Are we now going to see a world where secretaries have to undergo fitness tests during their interviews? Or even scarier, a world where the Simpsons adventures are a vision for the future? Beware the invasion of the dolphins....

Welsh Sports Personality of the Year

2005-12-06T14:41:00.000Z

Congratulations to Wales captain Gareth Thomas on becoming BBC Wales Sports Personality of the year, 2005.

I believe this award was thoroughly deserved as the national team have rejuvinated the national sport this year and he has led from the front, both on and off the pitch. I'll mention the fact Gareth captained Wales to the 6 Nations Grand Slam, captained the British Lions against New Zealand and won the European Cup this year. I won't mention his recent court case for assault in a French bar. Well played Alfie!

I'm here all week

2005-12-04T21:14:00.000Z

Last night was my football team's fundraising Christmas party. It was alright, few sneaky pints with the lads and some top notch imported entertainment.

Well the guy they had says he's an entertainer, was actually imported from Swansea and the material being top notch was debatable. However, he sang a few songs, told a few jokes and got everyone over the age of forty shaking their booty. Hmm, maybe wobbling their booty would be a better description. Despite being a complete stereotype of a Christmas party act, I thought this guy was alright (apologies for continuous referals to 'guy' but I have no idea what his name was). I thought it might be a good idea to share some of the jokes I heard last night before I forget them as well, hope you enjoy.

Guy gets pulled over for speeding.
Cop asks for a breath test. Guy pulls out card saying he's a chronic asthmatic and cannot give breath tests.
Cop asks for a blood test. Guy pulls out card saying he's a haemophiliac and cannot give blood tests.
Cop asks for a urine test. Guy pulls out card saying he's a Cardiff City supporter so it's not safe to take the piss out of him. (Yeah, that's it)

Did you hear about this woman from the Gernos estate in Merthyr? She has 16 kids, all called Gareth.
How do you get their attention?
Well, I just call Gareth in the morning and they all rush in and I can sit them down for breakfast.
What about when you want to speak to them individually?
Oh that's easy, I just call them by their surnames!

(My Dad likes this one, my Mum hates this one)
Tramp walks into a bar.
Asks for a cocktail stick which the barman gives him and he leaves.
Another Tramp walks into a bar.
Asks for a cocktail stick which the barman gives him and he leaves.
2 More tramps Tramp walk into a bar and ask for cocktail sticks which the barman gives them and they leave.
5th tramp walks into the bar.
Barman says he has no more cocktail sticks.
Tramp says he doesn't want a cocktail stick, but a straw instead.
Barman agrees as long as the tramp tells him what's going on.
'someones been sick outside and now all the lumps have gone!'

(Didn't tell my parents this one)
Man on a golf course for 1st time.
Gets lost and asks a woman also playing what hole he's on.
You're on the 3rd and I'm on the 4th.
Gets lost later and asks same woman what hole he's on.
You're on the 14th and I'm on the 15th.
In the clubhouse later, man apologises to woman for the inconvenience on the course and explains he's unfamiliar to the area as he's a sales rep up on work.
Oh I'm a sales rep too, she says.
Oh, what do you sell?
Sanitary towels
Man laughs
Thats not funny says she.
Yes it is
I sell toilet paper you see, so even now I'm still one hole behind you!

PS. also won a bottle of whisky in the raffle. If you would like some of said whisky, come on over to my beachside apartment in Sydney, Australia next week and I'll gladly share a glass with you.

Diolch yn Fawr Iawn

2005-11-26T21:41:00.000Z

Just want to say a quick thank you to the Welsh rugby team for beating Australia today 24-22 in Cardiff. It was the first time we have beaten the Wallabies since 1987 and one of those occasions that nearly (NEARLY) brings a grown man to tears.

I won't go into any details or post any photos as it might seem like bragging and I don't want to make any enemies down under as I still plan on going to a certain wedding and blagging a bed of some of those wonderful people.

PS. All the snow is gone now.

Dreaming of a White Christmas

2005-11-25T19:36:00.000Z

Big surprise this morning in that I woke up to discover it had been snowing. Wow, big surprise as it never snows where I live. Since we moved in 1994, I can recall 4 occasions when it has snowed since, with the snow melting within a day every time. I think it's because I live so close to the sea and the salt melts anything that does fall. However, the few inches we had this morning still caused over 460 schools in Wales to close today. Honestly, this country goes into such a panic when the white stuff does come although I must admit skipping school back in the day after two or three flakes fell.

Here are some photos I took this morning. You can even see the sea in the top right corner of the last one, which is just below the cliff I live on top of.

In other news, Canada has apparently paid out $2BN to Natives who in previous generations, suffered from 'brainwashing' of sorts where Christian practices and beliefs were drilled into them instead of their traditional language and culture. I have witnessed segregation of sorts in Truro, where Natives stick to certain bars and 'immigrant' Canadians (is that what they're called?) tend to avoid them. I have also been told of various frustrations of Canadians towards the state benefits given to Natives. Far be it for me to pass any judgements but I was very surprised to say the least to discover these events of the past and that Native heritage was not celebrated and acknowledged as part of the diverse cultures we all live in.

A Toast to the Bride

2005-11-22T14:27:00.000Z

Had a lovely conversation with Australia on Sunday evening. I was surprised but chuffed to hear from the Doctah, live and exclusive from Hicksville in Queensland. Obviously I've been counting down the days till I leave for the land down under and have not held back in advertising this on my blog. However, this Sunday gave me even more of a reason to get excited.

Although I am pumped to visit all these spectacular sights and scenery in Australia, a trip I will never forget, the event that does excite me the most is the wedding of Jane and Jeffrey. I make no secret of the fact I am extremely envious of this couple and feel extremely privileged to have been asked to be a groomsman at the wedding. However, I have now been asked to give a toast to the bride on the day which makes me feel even more proud and honoured. And exctied, I must admit that I'm looking forward to making a speech.

But here lies a dilemma. What should I say? I thought by looking over some photos I have of Jane that I would be inspired to complement her on her glowing personality, her maturity or her class. Didn't find anything though.

Maybe I could focus on her looks? I know that Jeffrey thinks Jane has a sexy ass...

Well, at least I have 3 weeks to come up with something nice to say about Jane. Any suggestions would be more than welcome and I'll try not to mention what we all think, that this would be the cuter couple

Or that Doctah J should stick to girls his own age

Eww...sour grapes, ugh

yeahbutnobutyeahbutnobut

2005-11-18T13:53:00.000Z

last night marked the return of "little britain." this is one of my favourite shows and one of the best british comedies post-1990. it is a sketch-based show made up of stereotypical characters and catchphrases, similar to Harry Enfield or the Fast Show. Brilliantly funny and entirely original, although you can associate every character to some part of life in britain. to all you canadians out there, this show is out on showcase so you should check it out. here are some of the most popular characters:

this is emily howard, the worst transvestite in the world.

dafydd thomas is 'the only gay in the village' of Llanddewibrefi in wales. however, this is not the case and he spends all day tyring to avoid having a 'bit of cock' or 'some bum fluff' as the barmaid, Myfanwy calls it. igor, where are you?

here is vicky pollard, a single mum/teenager who speaks really fast and makes no sense, sometimes to avoid having to answer questions. barry, where i live, apparently has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in the UK so i see plenty of vicky pollards every day.

and these are my favourites, lou and andy. andy is in a wheelchair and lou is his carer who takes him everywhere and spends all of his time looking after andy. however, there is nothing wrong with andy, he's just lazy and whenever lou is at the front of the screen, andy goes round doing whatever he wants. my favourite is when he got stuck up a tree and explained this by saying 'i fell out.' kinda derived from many cases of people in britain not working as their state benefits are better than what they'd earn so sit on their arses all day.

Strewth, what a corker

2005-11-11T14:42:00.000Z

Great news today. I have a ticket to see my first ever cricket test match. And it's only the New Years test at the Sydney Cricket Ground between Australia and South Africa.

I love cricket. It is a sport that has existed since around 1744 and has thrilled generations since, with some games lasting five days. I don't care if games take 5 days to play, they are enthralling. End of discussion. Some people may not agree but that's their opinion. And it's suddenly becoming hip and cool in Britain after England beat the Aussies this summer. However, this picture of WG Grace, cricket's 1st superstar does very little to support my argument.

The stars of today include one Shane Warne, a player I have idolised for years. I was lucky enough to train with one of the games greatest ever players in 1997. I've only ever watched him here in Wales but I can't wait to watch him with the crowd behind him rather than trying to wind him up by asking who ate all the pies?

But the way things are planned, it looks like my date to the game will be Jane Williams or as she'll be then known, Mrs Doctah. And she's hot, oo-er! This is just another reason why I can't wait to go to Oz. MJ, stop sitting on the fence and get your arse down under.

you win some, you lose some

2005-11-06T21:18:00.000Z

Today and yesterday was a big weekend for sport in my house and there was good news and bad news. Yesterday Wales lost (heavily) to New Zealand in rugby but today Manchester United beat Chelsea in soccer.

Despite the differences in results, I'd like to point out one similarity between the two games: both my teams played their hearts out.

Wales were missing six British Lions from their 15, who any team would miss dearly and hadn't played together in months. New Zealand, on the other hand, are the best team in the world and have been together all summer long. Last season a full-strength Welsh side lost by a single point compared with the 38 last night but no one can question the pride each player showed in trying their hardest to the end. I am extremely proud of how they played and know on our day we can beat the All Blacks, but know have to say well played to them and appreciate how enjoyable it is to watch a team so play well together.

Man United, on the other hand, have been struggling the last couple of weeks and played Chelsea who hadn't lost their last 40 league games. There's no argument that Chelsea are an amazing side and were the best team this afternoon. However, United did what they do best and took the game to them. It was a really physical game and again, I am never more impressed than when these guys I have idolised for years are totally committed to sticking two fingers up to the opposition and the press and give their all for themselves and for the fans.

So thanks to both teams who deserve all the support they get when they take on adversity straight in the face, it's an inspiration to all.

PS. They think that 55 million sheep watched the Wales - New Zealand game from both countries. That's slightly wrong, more like 54,999,999 sheep as I had a lovely Roast Lamb on Friday night, my favourite meal!

Bah

2005-11-04T13:56:00.000Z

Depressing week this one, not very exciting I'm afraid.

I've never liked Halloween so won't talk about it any further.

Tuesday, I went to see The Corpse Bride by Tim Burton. It's not great really, I kept checking my watch after about half an hour which is actually nearly half way through the film, it's so short. Yeah, don't bother seeing it.

Wednesday, had a contact lense check (I'm so cool) and played soccer. However, soccer did not go well as I had some problem with my eye so I couldn't put my lenses in and see the ball, which does make a difference.

Thursday, back to the opticians to get 2 pieces of broken contact lense out of my eye. Went to work with the intention of quitting......

Now, the only reason I still work a nearby pub is for the money. I'm not going to lie, I'm greedy about things like that. However, I never intended to work whilst studying at my Masters but liked the idea of being able to pay for my ticket to Australia. Now that's been paid off, I liked the idea of being able to buy things out in Australia. However.....

I plan to get the old chest wig out down under and top up on my tan. I don't want to go on holiday and keep my shirt on all the time (you know who you were in Fundy - Laura!) Therefore, I have been spending some quality time at the gym, making myself look irresistable. I now plan to go circuit training with Lois once a week but mainly to laugh at her, she thinks she's fit, pfft. And work is getting in the way of that and the rugby on Saturday....

So I decided I'd quit. But my boss wasn't there last night. And I ended up enjoying myself. Contrary to belief, I do work hard and am not the worst barman in the world ever - that's Igor, at Sodexho. So I started having second thoughts....

What should I do gang? I need some feedback here. Please reply with a simple yes/no on whether or not I should become an even fuller full time student, spending more time as far as possible from responsibility.

Cheers.